REAL FAT

Tracker 43

2012-02-12T23:39:00.001-06:00

Sunday Without the Scale

2012-02-12T23:20:00.001-06:00

Finally! We have winter weather in the Lone Star state! The flurries are dropping as I type. I have enjoyed the mild winter we've had so far but I know many folks are happy to see the snow. So all you winter-lovers: enjoy!

A couple of times today I wondered about that scale. And what three numbers I would see pop up if I stepped on it. I wondered for a moment and then I moved on. I was able to focus on other things. I am only a couple of days into this and realizing just how much my choices regarding food have been driven by the scale. It's almost like I am having to sober up from the scale. The longer I go without using it the more clearly I can see what it was doing to me. I can definitely see a healthy realtionship with the scale emerging at some point in the future. Just not sure when that will be and I'm good with waiting to find out. In the mean time I am focused on abiding.

If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." John 15:10-12

Week in Review No. 6

2012-02-11T23:14:00.007-06:00

Physical
I had a so-so week. I think I only had one 1200 calorie day (goal was 3) and went over on my calories once or twice. I did do a pretty good job eating balanced meals. I am enjoying the consumption of my coffee again. Eating the huge bag of peanut m&ms was the low point this week but thankfully it did not drag out into other mistakes. I did get my 6 mile run in on Monday! Felt good to get that behind me. Mom and I ran together. She is planning to do the half also, so hopefully we can do our long runs together from here on out. I purchased my third pair of running shoes this week with my birthday money. That was by far and away the most money I have ever spent on shoes...probably on any one item of clothing in my entire life! But like the employee reminded me--it's a small price to pay for health. That is true. And good running shoes are essential!

Mental
The "giving up my coffee creamer" thing had me all out of whack. It was a pretty cool experience though. Even just going a couple weeks without it helped me to see the role it was playing for me. And it is a role I am okay with for now. So I added it back. It is part of what "works" for me.

It is amazing to me the difference in my mind since I decided to quit weighing. It feels like there is so much more space in my head now! Ha. Today I really noticed a "weight lifted," no pun intended. My mind kept wanting to think about weighing in tomorrow but then it would remember I'm not doing that and then just relax. I truly think that had I been planning to weigh in the morning I would have overeaten today. Amazing the way I am seeing this pattern now.

Emotional
A few emotions stand out to me this week. The first emotion is powerlessness. The beginning of the week was marked with an unhealthy focus on the unmet expectations I had for my weigh-in last Sunday. It had me down and I could picture the week ending up badly as I was already thinking about the next weigh-in and what I would do if it wasn't the way I thought it should be. Then Wednesday night happened. Ever since I wrote that post and put the scale away I have felt excited. (PS--If you didn't read that post but plan to keep following along, I suggest reading it so you aren't lost. Sorry, it's long.) Excitement is the emotion I feel because this is a kind of freedom that is different than I've ever felt before. I am also so grateful! I believe this new way of doing things is a gift and I am thankful for it--whatever it may bring.

Spiritual
On February 9th I wrote a post about putting my scale away. (Link in previous paragraph) Later that day I sat down to have my daily quiet time and mistakenly turned to the January 9th entry in Jesus Calling instead of the February 9th entry. I just realized that discrepancy as I was preparing to write this post. I believe that in no way was that an accident or coincidence but rather a divine appointment. This is what I read:

I am with you and for you. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with my will, nothing on heaven or on earth can stop you, you may encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don't be discouraged--never give up! With my help, you can overcome any obstacle. Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very-present Helper, am omnipotent.

Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey.

Tears. Of. Joy. Thank you, Jesus!

PS--Jesus Calling is a devotional book in which the author shares her prayer journal as she spent a year focused on being more attentive to the Savior's voice and listening for what He was saying. The book shares the words that Jesus laid on her heart. The scripture references are interwoven into the daily devotionals. This particular day was from Romans 8:31, Psalm 46:1-3, Luke 1:37.

2012-02-11T22:03:00.000-06:00

Tracker 41

2012-02-11T00:29:00.001-06:00

Tracker 40

2012-02-09T19:27:00.003-06:00

Didn't See That One Coming

2012-02-09T11:29:00.008-06:00

On Sunday when I wrote my "week in review" there was a sentence that I can't get out of my mind. I was speaking of what happened to me emotionally when I weighed in and had only lost eight tenths of a pound:

"It really got the best of me today and I just felt mentally and emotionally tired with no reward of weight loss."

It stung a little when that line popped onto the screen. It's a very honest statement but one I'm not excited to admit still belongs to me after all this time. I tucked it away into a corner in my mind but it has continued to resurface all week, bringing along with it cinnamon rolls and peanut M&Ms...

Last night I attended a concert at my church. The performance was given by a group of children from an African village called Watoto. This is an organization in Africa that rescues vulnerable and marginalized women and children and puts them together in families. The children are taught about Jesus and raised to be leaders of Africa's next generation. It's truly an unbelievable thing they are doing.

During the performance a video depicting the everyday life of these children was shown. At one point the camera panned into a well pump dripping tiny drops of water. The narrator was describing the daily, endless cycle of walking and pumping, walking and pumping for these children--this is their life--just to get that water. And it wasn't much water coming out.

But I don't feel sorry for them. No, I surely do not. These children, these families, are full of joy. Perhaps greater joy than I've ever seen. Certainly a different kind of joy than I've ever seen. Their joy doesn't come from getting water. Their joy is in Christ alone. That is why even though these people may have been mutilated, forced to take the life of a family member, ripped away from their families, lost parents to AIDS, or walk the majority of any given day just to get the water they need to survive, they remain joyful. They find their purpose not in the things of this world, but in the Everlasting God.

When I saw the water dripping from the well I immediately knew why that particular statement about the small weight loss on Sunday had been haunting me. Here I am, toiling all week long, getting to the well, only getting that little drip--and then I'm furious. I am entitled to more water, no? No. I am entitled to nothing. The breath that I am about to take is a gift. The ability to walk, eat, measure things, share this with other people--all a gift. Grace, grace, God's grace. I am entitled to nothing.

It can be really hard to explain what goes on in one's relationship with the Lord to others. These particular writings are are a reflection of my personal convictions and the Spirit's prompting in my life. This is in no way a suggestion for others. Sometimes it seems like it would be best kept private, because it's just easier that way and perhaps that is how He intends it to be in certain instances. But for this particular matter, given this particular setting, I can't really figure out how to keep it private. So here goes...

I think what is about to happen is that I'm going to put the scale away. Possibly for good. I can't believe I am writing this. I hesitate so much in writing this. Because I might be wrong? Because someone may think it's silly? Because it is in direct opposition to things I've thought/written in the past? Because writing it means it's real? Yes.

I realize this is not a new concept. I have put the scale up before as have many others. When I did this before, I quickly realized that it was just a cop-out. But this current choice is being prompted by something different than it has been in the past. It's not because I'm afraid of what I'll weigh this week. It's not because I'd like to eat whatever I want for a few weeks without being bothered by the scale. It's the opposite. It's because I truly want to walk in freedom and this is the thing that has been identified to me as the major area of bondage. (Not coffee creamer. Duh.)

It is scary to me to think of not weighing every week. Very. Scary. But I will trust that this is His plan. And maybe I'm WAY off. Lord knows that's happened before. I could be back on the scale next week. But I don't think so. It seems like the Lord is really refining this whole process and taking me deeper and deeper into the heart of the matter. I have never lived "healthfully" and not been simultaneously tied to the scale. What will this be like?

What it seems He is asking me to do is to stop living week-to-week when I am not promised the next hour. Stop being a slave to these weekly weigh-ins. I believe that He is asking me to continue taking care of my body, continue walking in the path of life (as He has shown me), continue dealing with my emotions...but in His presence, in His way. Not mine and not the world's.

I know He wants me to stop living as if weight loss is my life-water.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1) What I've always wanted is freedom. What I've been praying for earnestly is freedom. And I know He wants it for me, too. That's why Jesus came. And so It will be. I believe that truth and claim it.

What is coming to my mind as I finish up this post is a C.S. Lewis quote that has always been dear to me, and today more than ever: "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."

And then my life verses:John 8:31-32 So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

So, what does all this mean in simple terms?

I will continue to post my tracker daily
I will continue to exercise
I will continue to set goals
I will continue to blog regularly
The time and energy I spend thinking about what the scale shows will now be directed to other matters
My actions will not be affected by the scale
I will abide in His word.

If you read this far, then you must really love me! Or be really fascinated by my neurosis, although I think for once, that's not what's happening here. At any rate--prayers are appreciated.

Going down the road less traveled...

Tracker 39

2012-02-08T21:40:00.000-06:00

Okay. I have decided that I am not going to go further with trying to break the coffee creamer habit. I may in the future but for now I am going to regulate it to 2 T per day (or less) and see what happens. I am not going to talk about this anymore. :)

For now I am just going to focus on my tracker habit, making my quiet time a daily habit...and pray about what habits I need to break.

Exhaustion to Glory

2012-02-08T08:59:00.010-06:00

That awkward moment when...

You know you are not, could not possibly be, in any way, form or fashion--hungry--and yet it seems as though you will explode if you do not shove food in your mouth at an alarming rate until that feeling goes away.

I think that much progress has been made in my life where my eating habits/lifestyle are concerned. But I still bear the burden of this one, really nagging thing that happens to me. It seems like if I could just overcome this then I would be golden. It also seems like I will never be able to overcome it.

That feeling, in those moments...is like no other feeling I can describe. It is irresistible. It is a force. It has the ability to shroud any sense of right or wrong or previous decision I might have made, like in this post. In those moments it seems that nothing can quench the desire for...something...that I have. And it's not food. But for some reason that is the way this desire manifests itself through me. I eat.

I hate it. I hate it about me. It is the thing that will make me want to slap myself, pull my hair out, go into another room and scream into a pillow. It is thing that (hasn't done this in a long time) makes me look into a mirror with disgust and just cry. Because this pattern of failure is exhausting.

An excerpt from my devotion this morning in Jesus Calling (and I'm a day off if anyone else reads this)

Come to me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life. Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good (Rom. 8:28), including the things you wish were different...Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to me, letting me guide you through the many choices along your pathway...Your desire to live in my presence goes against the grain of "the world, the flesh, and the devil." Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents. However, you are in the path of my choosing, so do not give up!

Now that's a word for the weary!

This pattern that I wish was different seems so futile and tiring but as Romans 8:28 and the devotional states, He can fit everything into a pattern for good. He is not surprised by my pitiful pattern. In fact, He is so powerful that He uses it for good. From it He crafts the very best, perfect prescription for my problem: More of Himself.

The pattern is this:
self-reliance > fail > become weary > turn to Him > HOPE > praise Him

The end of the pattern is always to glorify my Savior. This is for His purposes, not mine. All for HIS glory. Not mine! Ahh! How quick I am to forget this. The purpose is not, nor has it ever been "to get me fixed." Not possible. At least not here on earth.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:11

Lord,
What a Creator you are! Why do I try to do things apart from you? Why do I try to fix myself? You have got this. Help me every day get over myself faster and on to you even faster. Let your glory shine!
Amen

This song has gotten me through many a long runs:) Enjoy!

Tracker 38

2012-02-07T22:04:00.000-06:00

Choosing to get out of the funk tomorrow. That is all.

Do I Eat Enough Protein?

2012-02-07T13:43:00.007-06:00

I have had several concerned readers wonder if I am getting enough protein. I have never really questioned it, just assumed I was, but it sounds like the dangers of not consuming enough protein are pretty serious. The eating habits that I am trying to establish now are ones that I want to keep for the rest of my life. Once I get to goal I may be able to add 100-200 calories but that's about all that will change. It's very important that what I am doing currently be a good plan for my health in the long run. So I decided it would definitely be worth it to do some research to answer the question...

Do I eat enough protein?

The long answer:

This is a chart from http://www.choosemyplate.gov/ which is the USDA's nutrition website.

This chart aligns with the amount my FP4H Member's Guide suggests: 5 oz. equivalents of protein per day. As far as I can tell, 5oz. equivalents of protein per day is a pretty standard recommendation for most women. This has been my target for quite some time.

I could probably get away with 5.5 oz. if I really wanted to, and considering I'm not perfect with my measuring/weighing, I likely do. But I fall into the 31-50 range (see above chart) which recommends 5 oz. equivalents per day. I rarely exercise more than 30 minutes a day. Only on my long run days, which is about once a week.

I wasn't satisfied with just these findings, so I researched how many grams of protein that I should consume daily as I know that various food items, no matter what their weight, would contain varying amounts of protein. Sources I found (and I looked at a lot!) suggest anywhere from 45-75 grams per day for a female with all my stats. The results from one of many protein calculators I used:

If I want to consider myself an endurance/resistance athlete (which I don't really) I could increase that amount up to 85 grams per day. That sounds like a lot. But from what I can tell you can't really get too much protein. Anyway...

Let's say 50-80 grams of protein per day is a good amount.I took a few random trackers (since I have a tracker library now!) and tallied up the grams of protein I consumed in those days. I added up the protein from all of the food groups, not just the "protein" category foods. What I found really shocked me.

First of all, I found that on average, I consume over 80 grams of protein per day! I had no idea.

Second, the whole grains that I eat contain lots of protein! Check out the protein content of these grain items I consume on a regular basis:

Whole grain English muffin--5 grams
Piece Whole grain bread--4 grams
1 c. Quaker oat cereal--8 grams
1/2 c. Old Fashioned oats--5grams

I was really excited about this as I am slightly self-conscious of my grain consumption. It seems outrageously high but I have been able to lose weight while eating them and I don't like the thought of life without cereal and bread. (5-6 oz. equivalents of grains per day is my goal) I do not eat whole grains exclusively, but on most days more than half of my grains are whole. The "white grains" that I eat contain little to no protein.

I wondered if the grain protein was "as good" as the meat protein since you don't really hear people encouraging the consumption of grains to up your protein. I decided to research the difference in the whole grain protein sources and the protein that comes from meat. My hunch was correct. Kind of.

I'm probably the last person on the planet to know this but in case someone else has been under the rock with me...Protein coming from animal sources (meat, fish, poultry, milk, cheese, and eggs) are considered "complete" which means they contain all of the essential amino acids. Plant sources of protein, like the whole grains I consume or nuts are incomplete proteins because they do not contain every single essential amino acid. The science involved with this is a little too much for me to go into here but basically, because I eat a combination of many different protein sources they combine or "complement" one another to make complete protein. Yay.

Finally,(feel like I'm beating a dead horse here) the amount of meat (usually chicken) that I normally eat in a day provides 40 grams of complete protein which, according to several sources, would be nearly enough for me on its own.

The short answer: Yes, I do eat enough protein. :)

I just wanted to share these findings because I felt like a scientist and/or an investigator today. Hopefully this information will be helpful! And if I missed something crucial in my research let me know;)

Tracker 37

2012-02-06T22:50:00.002-06:00

Tracker 36

2012-02-05T21:16:00.000-06:00

Week in Review No. 5

2012-02-05T19:34:00.003-06:00

Start weight:228 lbs
Current weight:171.7
Total loss:56.3
Weekly loss/gain: -.7

Physical
This week was just about as disciplined as I get when it comes to food. (Until about 3 hours ago. Today's tracker will document.) I set a goal to have two days of eating 1200 calories as opposed to the 1400-1500 I usually aim for and was successful. I also set a goal last week to exercise everyday for at least 15 minutes. I did not meet that goal. I have been getting my long runs in but walking a lot during the week. Doing the short runs throughout the week becomes essential now as the mileage is increasing on my training schedule and race day approaches. I really need to get motivated to move more this week.

Mental
The mental battle early on this week was me giving up sugar in my coffee. Which ended up being me giving up coffee almost entirely. I did have a cup this morning with Equal and regular half and half but it wasn't worth it. I just don't like it that way. But I don't really miss the coffee. I haven't had headaches or any side effects like that. After the first couple of days I didn't really think about it.

Emotional
Again, the tiny loss frustrates me. Especially since I feel that I truly gave it my all this week. I can't say that this has happened many times--giving 100% and small loss. In the past it seems that a week like this might yield at least a 2 or 3 pound loss. It really got the best of me today and I just felt mentally and emotionally tired with no reward of weight loss. I don't think the gall bladder is in danger (lol) but I did not eat well today. Which is a shame because if I was going to veer off course I would have rather done it last night with homemade desserts. But, I digress. The last time I had a day sort of like this it came on the heels of a .2 loss. Apparently anything less than a one pound loss is not acceptable to me. In my head I know that it's not all about the numbers. "A loss is a loss." I preach that all the time. It's so easy to say. I guess that truth just hasn't made it to the deepest parts of my heart yet. I will continue to pray for that end. In the meantime, what I weigh today and how I messed up today will not diminish my recognition of what was otherwise a perfectly wonderful week on plan and just in general.

Spiritual
Most days I was able to sneak into the bathroom for 15 to 20 minutes with no interruptions for a quiet time with God. I had a little chuckle studying in Mark chapter 1:35-37: Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!” Ha! Jesus truly does know how I feel! Can't I just get a few minutes alone in the bathroom, people? :) But seriously, the quiet time that was provided for me this week was just perfect. I continue to pray that this would become a habit. I am excited as I sense the Lord leading me into some uncharted waters in my life. It is amazing to look back on the past few years, even months, and see how He has paved the way for new opportunities and cultivated my heart so that His desires could grow there. Scripture memory for this week was Romans 1:17 For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed--a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: "the righteous will live by faith."

Weekly Highlights

Talked throughout a 3 mile run, never been able to do that before due to lack of breath. This was a milestone!
Fun times with family
1200 calorie goal met

Weekly Goals

Three 1200 calorie days (Tues, Thurs, Sat)
Run 5 out of 7 days (Mon (6mi), Tues, Thurs, Fri., Sun)
No overeating if my weight loss isn't what I expect on Sunday

Tracker 35

2012-02-04T21:06:00.000-06:00

Night Out & Tracker 34

2012-02-03T23:43:00.004-06:00

In the "best coffee" bathroom.

We had a blast tonight! First stop was the restaurant I asked for your help with earlier today. There was actually an item on the menu tonight that was not on the menu I found online today. It was roasted chicken with root vegetables. That's what I ordered. My hubby got the pecan crusted catfish. Both dishes were excellent. I exhibited great restraint in only consuming 1 piece of some incredible sourdough bread.

(Oh my gosh! I just remembered the fried green tomato with buttermilk ranch dressing that I ate. I did not put that on my tracker :( Need to add about 120 calories for that. It was worth it)

After dinner we headed to a coffee shop and ordered the french press. I did add one packet of raw sugar and some cream. It was okay but a little too acidic for my taste. Kind of a downer after I had waited all week for it. But, oh well. As we were leaving, the server suggested a little chocolate shop around the corner, so how could we resist?

**Warning! This post now abruptly turns into a chocolate shop spectacle!**

Here's the chocolate--chocolate, chocolate & MORE chocolate!

Crack in a Box! I sampled this one. MMMMM.

Yup--cheese n' chocolate. Unbelievable!

Me and my date ♥

My little brother and his wife ♥

This was such a fun night. We ended it at yet another coffee shop. Here I had an iced coffee with sugar free syrup and half & half. There was a great local band playing while we were there. So fun!

Here is my tracker minus the fried tomato :-/ I think that puts me right at 1600 calories.

Dinner Dilemma--Help Me!

2012-02-03T12:13:00.005-06:00

My brother, husband and I have all celebrated a birthday within the past two weeks. We always have a big family party, usually on Superbowl Sunday.

Birthday party, 2010. 200+ lbs.

This year it will be tomorrow. We all get to request certain food items for the party. Being the little health nut that I am ;) I requested grilled chicken breast and salad. The boys' requests were more of a pastry nature and involve chocolate. We will not discuss that.

But along the lines of "How in the world am I going to avoid all the cake and cookies that will be available to me tomorrow night?" I would like to focus on some fun facts.

Last Saturday I attended a birthday party where cupcakes, buttermilk pie and apple cobbler were all served. Oh and fruit was served. You know what I ate? Fruit.
This past Wednesday we served pizza, cheese dip with chips and various hand-held desserts to our students. You know what I ate? Mashed cauliflower. Before I left home.

I know that willpower is like this muscle that gets stronger and stronger the more you use it. Quit using it and that baby is like an iPhone that falls into a sink full of water. It won't do anything for me. I am counting on the hard work of temptation resistance training that I have been doing the past couple of weeks to pull me through tomorrow night.

Oh, and there's also tonight. We are going out with my brother and his wife for a pre-party celebration, minus the kidlets. There has been talk of going to this amazing low-country influenced bistro for quite a while now and tonight is the night it is finally going to happen. I couldn't be the one to say this menu is just not going to work for me. But I'm wondering...is this menu going to work for me? I have about 700 calories to work with. Check it out:

Appetizers:

The entrees:

Amazing, right!? What should I order? Please help me!!!

And then I will get to indulge in my birthday "treat" of COFFEE! (What the heck? Sounds so ridiculous to say that, but this seems to be life as I know it these days.) This is the coffee menu! I LOVE any place that has a coffee menu. Pure love, I tell you.

I'm thinking the 3 cup French press to share with my loved ones and a latte for just moi. They create beautiful foam art on the lattes. Can't wait!

Okay, seriously help a girl out and tell me what you think I should order for dinner!!!!!

Tracker 33

2012-02-02T19:17:00.001-06:00

Forgot to put it on here but I ran about 2.5 miles and did some bleachers today!

More Coffee Talk & Tracker 32

2012-02-01T21:28:00.000-06:00

I've had so many thoughtful comments/emails regarding my back-and-forth about the coffee. See this post. I've taken all of your advice and pondered it today. I also dreamed about my coffee. {Sigh}. I even made a pot and tried it with some Weight Watchers smoothie mix in there. FAIL. EPIC.

Anyway, I think I have arrived at this: For this month only I am going to abstain from using anything that puts calories into my coffee, besides a milk product that will count toward my daily allowance. If at the end of the month I am still wishing I could have it my old way then I will go back to that. What I am hoping is that I will get used to going without it and then I can save coffee with real sugar in it for my splurges or "treats." I did not realize that I have been misusing the word "treat," as one reader pointed out. A treat is not something one would consume on a daily basis...great point.

Anyway, I can easily get caught up in word meanings and coffee creamer calories--things that to some might be considered "majoring in the minors." But to me these represent much greater issues and things that I am trying to break free from. Everything is permissible for me but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Cor 6:12

So I guess you could say I am tentatively trying to break the habit of sugar in my coffee. :)

There is one caveat: I am going out to eat in Dallas this weekend to celebrate my birthday (and my hubby &little bro's b-days) Afterward we are going to have coffee at a place that my bro says serves the best coffee in Dallas. All bets are off at that point; I will have that fine cup of coffee with some sugar in it. And some heavy cream if that's an option. I feel that if I have passed up multiple opportunities during my b-day week for cakes, pies, cupcakes, cookies, irresistible little desserts in shot glasses (which I have) and all I really want to do is enjoy a good cup of coffee with some sugar in it for my birthday, well...

I've come a heck of a long way, baby.

Now roll that beautiful tracker footage...

Coffee, The Way I Like It

2012-02-01T10:06:00.004-06:00

So. This whole not having my coffee (the way I like it) is going to be way hard. Not fun. At all. I didn't realize how important it was to me! (Actually I did, but now the reality is setting in.) As Stacey said in her comment, though, it could be that it's more about the ritual of having the warm mug in my hand in the morning. If that is the case, then eventually not having the sugar or sugary creamer won't bother me as much. Right? I don't know though. I'm pretty sure it's more about the ritual of getting the warm cup of deliciousness in my belly. I am sitting here just dreaming about the Hazelnut creamer that is sitting in my fridge. I guess I need to pour it out. :-(

Or do I?

I could go on a mission to try and find some alternatives that I really like in my coffee. A couple of things have been suggested. {Thanks for all the ideas!} Unfortunately, most of them I have already tried and rejected. I am super picky. Stevia and Truvia did not pass my taste bud test. Equal used to work for me but now it just leaves a bad, bitter aftertaste in my mouth. I absolutely can not stand Splenda. Icck! I tried the sugar free syrups and none of those really impressed me either. Not just any sweetener is suitable for my coffee.

I know. I know. I need to lighten up.

Agave is the one thing suggested that I haven't tried. It seems like I can get away with less calories from Agave, even though it is the same amount per tsp. as sugar, because it is 1.5 times sweeter. The question is--will it have some nasty weird taste? If it doesn't then I just wonder why everyone doesn't use it in everything. There has to be a catch. We will see. And if I'm still going to be consuming calories from a sweetener (that might not be quite the same), wouldn't I just rather drink less coffee and continue having it the way I like it?

In the long run, I am just wondering if this is going to be worth it. Coffee the way I like it has been a special treat for me. And having special treats, as we all know, helps us feel like we are not being deprived. I just LOVE coffee with real sugar in it. My goal is to stay under 200 empty calories per day and for the most part I have been able to do this easily while still enjoying a few cups of coffee (the way I like it). I think there was one day last week when I went over on ECs. And I blamed the coffee creamer. Poor coffee creamer! It doesn't have control over how much I use--only I do. This seems like a cruel and unusual punishment for me the coffee creamer. (What?)

For the most part, I have proven that I can have coffee the way I like it and still stay in control. That's the important thing, right?

I think what is happening here is that I'm trying to talk myself into picking a different habit to break for February. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't WANT to give up coffee the way I like it forever. I don't even want to do it for 30 days. For a few days? Maybe. But not really. I really don't even want to go through this day without having it. So does that mean that I should attempt to break this habit, all the more!?

Or just pick something else that would be a better habit to break? Like biting my fingernails.

I don't know.

I just think that if this is wrong...

Then I don't really want to be right.

I ♥ coffee, ya'll. The way I like it. Does that make me a bad person!?

Circle one: coffee the way I like it or biting nails

Photo via Deliciously Organic

Tracker 31 & Food Photos

2012-01-31T20:44:00.001-06:00

Dinner was amazing tonight. Just under 500 calories.

This is the eggplant pizza and sweet potato fries I had last night.

I still want a real camera!!!

Making & Breaking Habits

2012-01-31T10:11:00.010-06:00

In the month of January I ended up making a new habit and breaking one also. I didn't really set out to do that but it is what happened. And I was thinking that there are many other habits I would like to add to my life and several I could do without as well. So I've decided to do a monthly focus on one habit to make and one to break.

January Habits Results
Make: Keep and post a daily food tracker.Today will mark 31 days of posting my tracker (actually I don't know if I did it on Jan 1) and they say that 21 days of doing something makes it a habit. I feel confident that I will continue using the tracker and making it a priority to post daily. It has been just the kind of structure that I am inclined to run from but is exactly what I need. It is restrictive in the fact that I am tethered to this tracker all day long and I am committed to doing a blog post every single day but there has been great freedom in creating this as a habit. It is no longer drudgery for me but actually something I look forward to doing and something that I appreciate very much.

Break: Posting and commenting on my personal Facebook account. I mentioned in an earlier post about time management that I constantly assess how I spend my time to keep it manageable. Through these repeated assessments it has been made clear to me that I am capable of spending a large potion of time each day on Facebook. Rather than totally deleting my account, I decided that I would change the way I use FB. I still check out my news feed from time to time, mainly because we serve in the student ministry of our church and this helps me keep tabs on what is going on in their world. But I no long make posts/comments. Therefor, I am not inclined to go back every 5 minutes and see how people are responding and I do not have the obligation to continue interacting. I also have found that now when I read something that is convicting or inspiring, or experience a special moment, rather than running to FB to make sure everyone else knows about it, it really sinks into my heart and mind. It convicts me. I thought that breaking this habit was just going to free up some time but it has actually produced a special season of gratitude, personal conviction and introspection.

* For now it seems that I am able to keep my time on the REAL FAT page to a minimum but if that were to change, I would likely delete that page.

February Habits to Make & Break
Make: Daily Quiet Time. I try to do this. But try is the key word. If I am being totally honest, this is not a priority for me. It is just something that I would like to happen in my day and if it does that's a bonus. But my relationship with Jesus is not a "bonus" in my life--He is my life. I can not live or move or breath apart from his grace. Things need to change so that I am actually living out my faith in this area. I remember doing a lesson with my FP4H group about having a quiet time with God. As I was preparing for it the Lord impressed upon me the many practices of my everyday life that I would not dream of going without: brushing my teeth, bathing, feeding myself and family, watching my favorite shows, etc. Yet, spending quality, uninterrupted time with Him was optional? I'm not really talking about doing Bible study workbook or studying for a lesson but having actual quiet time to be still before Him. There was a time on this journey that I literally could not function until I had that kind of time with God. I want that back. Not that everyone reading has to understand this, but I would like for you to--I want this to be a habit because I believe it is key to abundant living, or living life to the full. I know that without it I am daily trying to live on my own strength and eventually that is going to fail me. How arrogant of me to think that I could even go a day without needing Him in this way!

If possible I would like it to be in the morning but the main goal is to have it each day, period. I am considering adding an extra space on my tracker, perhaps just for this month, to detail what takes place during my QT. This will be mainly for me to see a record of God moving and just some extra accountability. I am going to take an ABC approach to making this habit.

Plan A: 5:30 am
Plan B: During Nap time
Plan C: 8:30 pm

I will continue to focus on this as my "make habit" every month until it is, in fact, a habit.

Break: Sugar in my coffee. Ha! The other one is so serious and this seems so trivial. It may seem like an easy one but for me this will be difficult. I was just drinking my coffee with the hazelnut creamer and realized this is yet another example of something I have said "I will NOT give that up" and at this point in my life I feel like I should not be that obstinate about anything food-related. I am trying to take power away from the food-stuff in my life. So bye-bye sugar in my coffee. And yes, this includes my beloved Hazelnut creamer.

Tracker 30 and Goal Updates

2012-01-30T22:19:00.001-06:00

I was pretty consistent with my goals today. As in--I did not quite reach any of them. But somehow I still feel like the day was great! Not sure what this says about me.

I went 60 calories over my 1200 calorie day goal. If I could just go one doggone day without my coffee and coffee condiments...

I also did not have a "Meatless Monday" as was listed as one of my goals for this week. I forgot and ate turkey right out of the gate this morning. It could be considered a "Less-Meat Monday" though. Close enough.

I also did not exercise even though I set a goal to do 15 minutes every day. The day was pretty packed and it just didn't happen. I guess I could go do 15 minutes worth of sit-ups and jumping jacks right now but I don't want to. Tomorrow=5 miles. That should make up for it.

I have added a "My Tracker" page and the link is now just under the header of my blog. If you are interested in a copy of this tracker or some other tracker options, as well as my thoughts on tracking...go check it out. or Click here

Tracker 29 & Habakkuk

2012-01-29T20:43:00.000-06:00

I did a quick study of the book Habakkuk this morning. I'm thinking about doing a pretty intensive study on it because it is a very special book to me. Anyway, I found out several interesting things re: Habakkuk. Thought someone might be interested:

Habakkuk is one of 3 books sandwiched together (Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah) that each address a different way God deals with mankind.
Habakkuk, the writer, is like the "Doubting Thomas" of the Old Testament...or perhaps more accurately Doubting Thomas is the "Habakkuk" of the New Testament. :)
Habakkuk asks the question that is one I have asked God many times: Why? And he answers.
The book starts in a question mark and ends in an exclamation point.
Habakkuk 2:4 is referenced in 3 books of the New Testament: Romans 1:17 (memory verse for this week), Galatians 3:11 and Hebrews 10:38 Over-arching theme: The righteous will live by faith.

And for some reason now I have this in my head:

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loves me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God for if righteousness could be gained by the law, Christ died for nothing. Galatians 2:20-21

So, faith--apparently a pretty big deal! :) Expresses itself through love. (Gal 5:6)

What did you learn in the word of God this morning? Please share!

Week in Review No. 4

2012-01-29T07:20:00.000-06:00

Start weight: 228
Current Weight: 172.4
Total Loss: -55.6
Weekly Loss/Gain: -1.4

Physical
Exercise was optional this week. Wonder what the loss might have been if the exercise was made mandatory!? This week will be different. I am going to focus on the quality of foods I am choosing. The tracker has helped me get a feel for eating the right amounts of each food but I will have better results if I focus on quality this week. Overall I am good with physical progress this week, The jeans are getting comfortable again:)

Mental
There are definitely moments that my mind slips back into old patterns of thinking. But for the most part things are going good. For my birthday meal which was under 500 calories I could have easily chosen a dessert. The restaurant serves small desserts in shot glasses that looked amazing. I might have used the (strange) logic that because I had stayed under 500 calories for dinner (which I normally would anyway) and since it was my birthday I could splurge and have dessert. But I actually recognized that I was full and I also finally put into practice this post where I already decided I didn't want that. Used the same mentality to say no to cupcakes and pie yesterday.

Emotional
I really think my relationship with the scale is improving. When I hopped on there this morning and saw 172.4 I thought that was only a .2 loss from last week. I was definitely bummed. But I stayed focused on the facts that I really did the best I could this week, besides maybe a little more effort with the exercise (but I did run 5 miles on Monday!) So I basically just swallowed that bitter pill, fixed my regular bowl of cereal, and thought about what I could work on this week. But when I came to do this post I looked up last week's weight and realized that in fact I had lost nearly a pound and a half! That was fun. And I'm still focused on what I can do better next week.

Spiritual
Had such fun yesterday breaking down a passage in Romans Ch. 9. I have missed my morning quiet time so much. Our kids are waking up extremely early these days so in order for me to get the uninterrupted quiet time first thing in the morning like I prefer I would have to get up at like 4:30! I just don't know about that. I know other people do it. I'm praying about it. The Lord will help me figure it out. I really want to make February a month to focus on having a quiet time every day like January was a time for getting in the habit of tracking.

Highlights

wonderful birthday
5 mile run
Birthday week and no sweets :)

Goals for next week

at least 15 minutes of exercise daily
Meatless Monday
1200 calorie days on Monday &Thursday

Tracker 28

2012-01-28T20:51:00.000-06:00

Okay. I think I may need to stop having all the creamer. :( I would probably be fine after a few weeks. Thinking about it...For the month of February I am going to pick a habit to make and a habit to break so this could be the habit to break. Stay tuned for the habit I want to make.

January has been successful as the month of the TRACKER! I feel like this is definitely a habit now.

Thirty-two Gifts

2012-01-27T22:28:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was my birthday. Here are just a few of my gifts; 32 to be exact.

1. Waking up

2. Breakfast prepared by my sweet husband. (Egg white in a basket!!!)

3. Bacon :)

4. A little lotion rub from this gal-love her lipstick!

5. Sweet hugs from my 6 year old who is pretty stingy with them these days.

6. Neat opportunity to share (in person) with others what the Lord is doing in my life .

7. Beautiful new granite top for my island!

8. Freedom of choosing a salad at Chick-fila.

9. Ridiculously easy time getting lost drivers licence replaced at the DMV.

10. A pretty great photo on my new DL.

11. Hot shower.

12. A 3 mile walk/run on a warm January day.

13. Babbling brook created by recent rain showers

14. New electric blue Under Armour fleece pullover.

15. Free cup of coffee at the bookstore.

16. Great deal on an awesome book.

17. Visit to Sprouts--awesome produce store.

18. Easy parking spot in a very busy shopping center.

19. Dinner with this girl. Womb-to-Tomb BFFs. Our Story

20. Realizing how far she's come.

21. Enjoying grilled lamb chops (for the first time), mashed potatoes with garlic and truffles & asparagus--entire meal under 475 calories!

22. Saying no to dessert without feeling sorry for myself.
23. Quiet time in the car.
24. Many many super sweet birthday wishes.
25. A pretty good hair day.
26. A really good daydream.
27. Satisfaction of posting 26th tracker in a row.
28. Son's backpack and lunch prepared by DH for following school day.
29. Plans made for a some fun outings in the coming weeks.
30. Climbing into the perfect bed with a warm body to snuggle up to.
31. Precious little {healthy} bodies sprawled over me before sunrise.
32. Vernon McGee on the radio teaching that Jesus is praying for me.

Tracker 27

2012-01-27T21:32:00.000-06:00

One of the things I love most about the way I've lost weight is that I have never really counted calories. I probably should have been, but I haven't. I just focus on getting the correct amounts of every food group and as long as I choose wisely (ex: whole grains over white enriched stuff or lean meats over fatty ones) MOST of the time then theoretically I should automatically stay within my calorie range. I think I will keep track of my calories for the next week or so and see if I am on target. Just to be safe. Today was good.

Tracker 26

2012-01-26T22:11:00.002-06:00

Tracker 25

2012-01-25T22:34:00.000-06:00

Gall-lly! That Hurt

2012-01-25T13:06:00.003-06:00

So if you read my tracker post from yesterday you know that I ate a lot. It was not good for me. No really--it was BAD for me. Physically bad as in I hurt. After I ate the last thing I ate last night (and how sad is it that I can't remember what that was?) it was like something inside of me clicked. It clicked and I finally felt how full I was. The expression "to the gills"? That really made a lot of sense right then.

It felt like a balloon inside of me had been inflated so much that it was beginning to put pressure on my rib cage from inside the rib cage. The closer it got to bedtime, the feeling intensified until it was pretty painful and more so on the right side. I knew what this was from my last pregnancy. Every time I would eat high fat foods this area would hurt and my doctor told me that was my gallbladder. Her amazing prescription for this condition? Don't eat high fat foods. Genius.

Anyway, I somehow managed to fall asleep and when I woke up this morning I felt pretty good. I was relieved that the pain was gone. It had lasted longer than any other time I experienced this. So I got up and started to get breakfast and school stuff ready for the kids and then it suddenly hit me. The inflated balloon was being inflated even more. It felt like my rib cage was going to explode. I could not catch my breath and I broke out into a cold sweat. It would have been scary except I had read up on gallbladder attacks and this fit the bill. I laid down thinking...wishing...praying it would help. But it didn't. I was completely debilitated.

This lasted for about 15 minutes I think. The horrible pain finally let up. Now I just have a slight tightness on my right side at the bottom of the rib cage. It's whispering I will do it again...I will do it again...Creepy.

I know that there are probably many reasons for a gallbladder that acts up like this. Sometimes people probably don't even know why it does. But I know why mine did. Is it enough for me to know that I ate so much unhealthy food yesterday that my body literally did not know what to do with itself? Is it enough to keep me from ever doing that again? I have abused my body for many, many years and she has always been pretty forgiving. Maybe this is her idea of some tough love? Dang. I think it worked.

REAL Challenge & Tracker 24

2012-01-24T20:19:00.003-06:00

Like carbs much?

I'm pretty sure days like these are the whole reason trackers MUST exist. If I only track what I eat on the good days, what's the point? Yes, it would have been so much easier to say that this was a horrible day...I won't even bother writing it down...tomorrow I'll do better... yada yada yada... And believe me, I seriously considered it.

But, um, that don't work.

Face the music.

Call it like it is.

Own up to it.

The cold hard facts.

Swallow my pride.

Admit I have a problem...Not just one time in the beginning, but everyday.

Admit it every single day.

Over. And over. And over. And over again.

I will do this because I can't move forward until I do.

And I can't move FORWARD without moving forward.

The challenge of this blog has always been (and will always be) to be real. To be brutally honest. And let me tell you, posting a tracker like this one is brutal. But I will continue to challenge myself and I challenge anyone in this same boat with me: be real.

On the surface it may seem like the hard part is eating less and moving more but in reality the hard part is messing up but not stopping.

If you fall off the wagon for a weekend, keep writing on your blog right through the big middle of it. Let the disgusting nacho cheese on your fingers stain the keys of your computer. Live in that moment.

If you know you gained weight that week and you have a meeting to go to--be there. Talk about it. Because the person sitting beside you might be ready to quit because they think they're the only one.

If you keep a tracker and your spaces aren't big enough to fit all the food you ate that day--write it in the margin. Because that's what tracking is for. To get all up in your business. And make you squirm.

At the end of the day (yes, even days like this)...

Be REAL. Otherwise, what's the point?

Tracker 23

2012-01-23T20:40:00.002-06:00

I wasn't really prepared for my inaugural "Meatless Monday" attempt. I didn't think about protein until mid-day when I started entering my food into the tracker. Oops. That will be different next week. I really like doing things differently and I think it's mainly to prove to myself that I can. So here's to Mondays without meat and doing things differently!

In other news--5 miles today! HOLLA! Feels so good to get those miles in. Beautiful spring-like January days here in the great state of Texas sure have me baffled but I will keep taking them!

My Oatmeal

2012-01-23T17:44:00.004-06:00

Oatmeal is a food that I have developed a taste for since I changed my eating habits. I first learned to appreciate it for the nutritional value and then came up with a way to thoroughly enjoy the heck out of it, which is always a bonus! I found a blog that helped me see oatmeal in a completely different light. I began using her method and continued to tweak and tweak until I arrived at the perfect oatmeal for me. In this post I will share "my oatmeal" with you. It's easy.

What you need for one serving of oatmeal:

1/3 c. Quaker Old Fashioned Oats (not quick oats!)

1/8 tsp. salt (important)

1/3 c. water

1/3 c. skim milk

1/2 banana chopped into little bitty pieces, preferably good and ripe

1/4 c. dried cherries

1 tsp. (or more!) vanilla extract

Toppings:

1 T Naturally More peanut butter

1-2 T apple butter

First dump the oatmeal, salt, water and milk into a saucepan. Turn it on Med-high heat.

Then go find your star player for this game--the whisk!

The whisk is a requirement for this to be "whipped" oatmeal. Which is way more awesome than "non-whipped" oatmeal. Whole different league.

Okay. After about 5 minutes or so the oatmeal will begin to bubble around the edges. At this point, whip it. You literally have to whip it. And whip it good. When it starts to resemble muffin batter then add the banana and cherries. Whip some more. If it begins to get too thick add a little more milk. Whip it until the bananas have magically melted into the oatmeal. This is your "sugar." The cherries also have time to rehydrate and they get very yummy.

Turn off the heat and add our other game changer--the vanilla!

Always add vanilla. It makes things taste good. Stir it in. Then find a bowl...

Ah-ha! This will do.

It just makes me happy. When there is only 1 T. of peanut butter left in the jar it gets to be my bowl for the morning (or evening in this case). The moment I look down into the jar and realize {This is the day!} it feels like I just won the lottery.

Pour the oatmeal into the jar or bowl and enjoy.

Oh wait. One more thing...

Apple butter. I know, I know. It's got sugar in it. 2 tablespoons for 60 calories. It's just applesauce on steroids. Now eat it.

I didn't like mine very much. :)

Some random kitchen shots....

Love the chalkboard all over my kitchen.

It serves us well.

Doing this post really makes me want a good camera!

NSVs & Tracker 22

2012-01-22T21:53:00.000-06:00

I know this sounds weird but I feel like I had a REALLY successful day today even though I hardly hit any of my food group targets. I knew my day wasn't going to be perfect pretty early on but I still kept it under control.

Also, I thought of 2 huge NSVs for this week that I didn't share in the Highlights section of my earlier post. Here they are:

I spent the evening/overnight at my parents' house and did not eat any sweets or any food besides what I tracked. That has hardly ever, ever happened! I always find candy or cookies or something to graze on, usually after everyone else is asleep. This is the home I grew up in and for some reason it is a "trigger" location for me. Maybe it's not anymore? I didn't even realize this victory from last night until just a while ago. I did not struggle with temptation while I was there!
I made two dessert-y type things for other people this week and did not eat batter on either one! On one of the cakes I usually leave a good 1/2 c. of frosting in the bowl to "lick" (right, it's more like drink!) but this week I filled my sink with hot soapy water and tossed all the bowls, spoons, beaters, etc. in there before I could do any damage.

Week in Review No.3

2012-01-22T10:16:00.006-06:00

Weight 173.8

Loss/Gain -.2 lbs.

Physical
Truckin' along. Really should have exercised yesterday but didn't. No excuses.

Mental
Conditioned response to a .2 loss after a meticulous week of tracking--Are you kidding me? But then I took a step back and thought it through. This is a loss so that is good. This is not a gain so that is really good. I ate right this week and that is good. I did exercise so that is also good. All the indicators point to the fact that no matter what it is, the number on the scale is the result of many, many very good things that are happening. I have to accept that and be satisfied with it. In reality, I'm not reaching a calorie deficit that should result in much more weight lost than that anyway. In other words--I shouldn't be surprised.

Emotional
The emotion I experienced this morning when I saw the number on the scale was disappointment. And I really think that's okay. Disappointment in and of itself is not a bad thing. It becomes a problem when I allow the disappointment to spill into all areas of my life in a negative way (being short with my family, eating whatever I want because I'm so upset, etc.) Instead, I am choosing to use that emotion in a positive way. If I am hoping for bigger losses every week, which my emotions have indicated that apparently I am, then I definitely need to make some changes. Which I have already been thinking about. Just gotta do it, or be content with fraction of a pound losses every week. Pretty simple. No need to eat my weight in chips today:)

Spiritual
This week I had a pretty big spiritual breakthrough regarding something I had been praying about for a while. It meant having to admit that I was wrong about some things. Never fun but always necessary. A while back I began to pray for humility and let's just say the Lord is definitely answering that prayer far beyond anything I could have ever imagined ;) Jesus is all to me.

This Week's Highlights

The way the weigh-in was handled today.
Working out with my FP4H buddies. I miss them :(

Next Week's Goals

Aim for a lower calorie range(1300-1400) 2-3 days
Get my long run in (5 miles)

Tracker 21

2012-01-21T19:21:00.002-06:00

Another week posting all my trackers! YAY! I don't hit the targets every single day but it's really okay. Tracking is definitely doing it's job regardless of my daily totals. The whole point is mindfulness. I am starting to be okay with the fact that I may have to do this for a very long time. Like forever. I used to say that I would NOT but now I wonder...and I'm okay with it.

I decided to start making use of the blank left-hand corners to record my water intake at each meal...

Staying Ahead of the Game

2012-01-21T13:14:00.002-06:00

I have a few ideas floating around in my head that might help change things up a little bit. I am notorious for jumping the gun on "great ideas" so I have decided to think about all of these for a while before I decide to do anything different. What I am doing seems to be working for now...

But I ~~know~~ am pretty certain the day will come when I have to alter something that I am doing to continue bringing the weight down. I'm getting close to the lowest weight I've been and if history repeats itself, that will likely produce some type of plateau. I'm not trying to be pessimistic here, just proactive. I would rather ease myself into some changes now and keep things moving along rather than get to the plateau and freak out.

Here are some of the things I am considering, along with my thoughts on each. I could do one or more of these things. None are drastic and all would be a positive change that I probably need to adapt at some point anyway.

Eat only "Choose Often" foods
"Choose Oftens" are the foods that offer the best bang for your nutritional buck. I haven't done it in a long time but weeks that I choose foods exclusively from this list I lose considerable amounts of weight. I have also seen members from my FP4H group have great losses by choosing foods exclusively from this list. It reminds me of the "core plan" on WW. Not sure if they still do that? The problem is that it feels too restrictive to me at times if I am only allowing myself to eat those foods. Maybe if I did it every other week? Here is a more in-depth look at the Choose Oftens list if you are interested: http://wearelosingitblog.blogspot.com/p/choose-oftens.html The main things I would be giving up in this are: coffee creamer, sugar, Lean Cuisine meals, regular salad dressing (which I love), canned veggies (easy-factor), saltine crackers, Apple Butter :(...Yes I think it would definitely have to be every other week.

Lower calorie range twice a week.
The calorie range I try to hit (1500-1600) is based on me working out at least 30 minutes each day. But I don't do any physical activity 2 days a week. (I have found these rest days help prevent burn-out for me.) So if I dropped down to the next lower calorie range (1300-1400) I would basically be consuming a half cup less of milk, fruits & veggies, 1 serving less grain and protein, and one tsp less oil. I think that would be very doable and hardly noticeable. Especially if it's only a couple days a week. I can definitely see myself needing to drop down to this calorie range to get the final few pounds off anyway. I feel like the amount I eat now is what I will need to eat forever to maintain a healthy weight...just not sure if it will be the right amount to get all the weight off.

"Protein as side" mentality
I grew up here in the south, where macaroni and cheese is considered a vegetable and if you don't have a huge hunk of meat on your plate it must just be a snack that you're eating. "Meat is a Must" has been my mentality. I think it would be wise to change this mentality to "Meat as a Side" and emphasize *healthy* vegetables and grains as the main parts of my meals and meat would be more like the side dish. I only eat 5 oz. of meat a day anyway so in some ways that has already happened. Example: If I have a full serving of peanut butter for breakfast (2T), then I only have 3 oz. of protein left for that day. Most chicken breasts weigh more than 3 oz.! Before I changed my diet I was probably eating anywhere from 10 to 15 oz. of meat a day. Definitely the star of every meal. Anyway, my point is that I know I am capable of reducing my meat intake. I did some reading on the Meatless Monday website today. Really interesting stuff there. Perhaps I could try that too.

So those are my ideas. Thoughts?

Tracker 20

2012-01-20T20:13:00.002-06:00

Just noticed I didn't change the total on vegetables..it should actually be .5 serving that I had today. If anyone cares. Hahaha.

What I Love

2012-01-19T20:51:00.002-06:00

There once was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. But I love having written."

I don't love fighting for my health and freedom over food.

But I love having fought.

Tracker 19

2012-01-19T20:37:00.001-06:00

Tracker 18

2012-01-18T21:32:00.002-06:00

There is something incredibly satisfying about resting my head on the pillow at the end of a long day knowing that all those smily faces are there.

Isn't that silly?

Making My Bed

2012-01-18T13:00:00.007-06:00

I made up my bed today.

I know--for most people that is just a given. But it's pretty significant to me. A few years ago I could have convinced Martha Stewart that making up a bed was absolutely insane. I said that it was a pointless task. I hated it and I never, ever, ever did it.

Thankfully, a couple of years ago I began to learn that my mind, emotions and physical state all work together. It turns out that every area of my life is inextricably linked. Who knew? So basically what I realized is that when my house is a wreck then I am kind of a wreck as well.

Eventually I had to do one of the most difficult things we have the option to do in life and admit that maybe, just maybe, I could have been wrong about some things. For starters--accepting that perhaps making up the bed could somehow be a good thing?

So I did it. I made up my bed. I decided that everyday I would just pull up the sheets, throw on the pillows and make it up. It didn't have to look perfect. That wasn't the point. The point was just simply to get it done. So I did it.

Over and over again.

It may not seem like a huge thing. Making up a bed? Not a big deal. It's really not. The habit created itself so quietly that I didn't even realize it was mine until today. When I looked at my bed and thought, Now that's nice. You stubborn old mule--THAT'S NICE! And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Obviously it's not pointless and I don't hate it. It's not insane. Insanity is always doing the same thing and expecting different results...

And I hope you see that this is not about whether or not a bed should be made. At all...

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." Andy Warhol

It was one thing. One small thing. That I changed. That I admitted might need changing in my life.

An accomplished housekeeper I am not. I will never be. Actually, you know what? Scratch that. Maybe I will be one day! Maybe one day my house will be on the cover of Martha Stewart and she will be interviewing me about my mad housekeeping skills. Yes! And we will laugh about how I used to never make up my bed.

You just never know... Right, Martha?

But for now, a made-up bed is good enough for me.

Tracker 17

2012-01-17T20:04:00.001-06:00

17 days of tracking! Yes!

Time

2012-01-17T10:42:00.004-06:00

"This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Losing weight sometimes feels like a full time job to me. Literally. I don't know exactly what I think about that, if it's right or wrong. I just know that if I am going to lose weight (and I do need to) my experience has been that it requires a good bit of time and focus each and every day to be consistently successful.

These are the things that go into it for me, including the area of my life affected and the average amount of time I spend doing these things each day over a one week period.

15 min. Meal planning (physical)
30 min. Keeping groceries stocked (physical)
60 min. Preparing healthy meals--rather than drive-thru or microwave (physical)
20 min. Sit down and eat meals slowly (physical)
45 min. Exercise almost every day (physical)
60 min. Blog posting (mental/emotional/spiritual)
30 min. Blog commenting (emotional)
30 min. Blog/weight loss related emailing (emotional)
30 min. Re-focusing throughout the day (mental, spiritual)
30 min. Filling in/posting tracker (emotional/mental/physical)

Ok...so maybe the hours add up to more like a part-time job. The point is that it is major WORK to stay focused and on track. I guess this explains why it is easy to get "burned out" as so many of us seem to do from time to time. And this isn't even my biggest time-priority. When you combine all of these health-related things with the other normal life stuff, it's very possible that there aren't enough hours in the day for all that most of us try to do!

That's definitely been the case for me so I've had to constantly reevaluate how I am spending my time during the day. I have found this 4-quadrant time management model to be very helpful in those times of re-evaluation...and sometimes even on a daily basis. From Steven Covey's book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

Covey teaches that we need to aim to spend our time in Quadrant II. This is where you deal with things that are important to your values and goals, but that are not urgent. "If we don't practice Habit 2, if we don't have a clear idea of what is important, of the results we desire in our lives, we are easily diverted into responding to the urgent". It is also explained that ample time spent in Quadrant II naturally reduces the amount of time required in other quadrants.

Through much wrestling and prayer, I feel confident that my weight loss endeavor is something that I should and will pursue until the Lord tells me to stop. I feel that this priority falls into the II Quadrant for me because motivation is for "prevention" and also "relationship building" and also "new opportunities" and also "recreation"!

My goal is to mostly live out of the II Quadrant but I still spend a good amount of time in Quadrants I and III. I spend very little in Quadrant IV. I used to spend the majority of my time in Quadrant IV. I noticed over the holidays that I slipped back into a lot of "QuadIV living" and the results were not good.

It has been very practical in helping me to visualize and prioritize my time. The way I started out using it--I made a list of everything I do in a typical day. And I mean EVERYTHING. (Crucial to be very honest on this part.) Then I wrote each thing into the appropriate category of a blank quadrant model. I then made conscious effort to eliminate everything from Quad IV. I also was able to identify some Quad II-type activities that I wanted to add into my life and began working toward those goals.

The most recent "cleaning house" I did with this model resulted in the conclusion of my personal Facebook account usage and a new focus on having more fun in "real life." So far the changes have had quite a remarkable impact on me and it's only been a few weeks.

Anyway--just wanted to share this little tool with everyone because I think it is really great. However, whenever I share this with people a common response I get is that they don't see any way of getting out of many of the things they are already doing: running kids around all the time, prior commitments, etc. To that, I would just say that a prayerful approach can yield miraculous results.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Psalm 39:4-5

What method do you use to evaluate how you are spending all of your time? What has been the best time management change you have ever made?

Tracker and Goal Met

2012-01-16T22:33:00.000-06:00

One of my goals for this week was to do something fun and out of the ordinary. Well, we did just that today! We went Geocaching! It was so much fun for our whole family and kept us somewhat active. Check out the link if you've never heard of geocaching!

Facing the Binge

2012-01-16T11:31:00.009-06:00

No sooner had I clicked publish on my tracker post for last night--it happened.

The dreaded BINGE.

( BTW: I absolutely hate that word. Binge. Eeew. Hate it. Looked to see if there were any suitable synonyms...fling, jag, orgy, or spree are our choices. Fling, jag or spree seem too carefree. Orgy? Um, nope. Gonna just stick with binge for now.)

So. Last night. Yeah. I was getting some bread to make the kids a sandwich (after which I would prepare my salad) and out fell a 3/4 consumed bag of Doritos. They were left over from a casserole I had made the previous day for someone else. I knew--I KNEW--that I should have thrown them away. But for whatever reason I did not. (mistake #1) Unfortunately I had not eaten much all day (mistake #2) and what I had eaten wasn't great (mistake #3) When I saw that bag it was over. I tried to convince myself as hand entered bag-- just one.

Yeah. Right.

I polished off the bag of Doritos. In the very, very back of my mind I was thinking you already decided not to do this. Stop. But those thoughts were mere whispers compared to the hunger in me that had been provoked. It's like the chips woke a sleeping bear...or whatever that euphemism is. I microwaved a plate of popcorn chicken that I had been watching the kids eat all week. Apparently I am a little more fond of the popcorn chicken than I knew.

Gone. In minutes.

At this point I realized I had crossed the line. Yes. This is the first time I realized it. I wanted to stop, and sometimes I can stop during the middle of a binge, but this time I didn't. I do recall thinking about my tracker, the meal that I had planned out just minutes before and sent into blogging land for all the world to see. I should not have done that before I actually ate those things and it was a done deal. (Mistake #4) The inner debate: Will I blog about this here binge? Or will I keep it to myself? Cause you know, the tracker you intended to have for today is already out there...

The debate ensued as I ate a peanut butter sandwich, some saltine crackers and a package of reduced fat Cheeze Its. I was throwing all of my trash away and as I looked down into the trash can to see the debris from my crazy tornado of eating, that's when I thought about God. What was He thinking about all of this? I stood there quietly.

Are you finished?

Not in a sarcastic way, like I would ask if it were me. Not in a harsh tone. But just simply Are you finished, Keelie?

And I was. And He was there, waiting on me.

I sorted through a lot of this before I went to sleep. I certainly want to learn from something like this, if there is anything to be learned. And I think there is. First of all there were several things I could have done differently that most likely would have prevented the binge. As I noted previously:

Don't keep chips in the house.
There are just certain items that I know I can not be trusted with in my house. (chips, baked goods, ice cream, honey, croutons) I think what happened in this case is that on the day I made said casserole, I was strong enough to resist the temptation to eat the chips. I thought someone else could enjoy them so I kept the package. But eventually, there will be (and was) a circumstance where I'm not strong. I can not let myself be fooled--I know how this plays out.

Don't ever let myself get overly-hungry. Under any circumstance.
I had 2 meetings immediately after church, one in which pizza was being served for lunch. Honestly I did not want to be the person who brought a special lunch to eat because I'm on a "diet." I just didn't want to have to go through all of that with them. My solution was to eat a Luna bar right before I went to the meeting and just feed my kids the pizza hoping no one would notice that I wasn't eating. It worked for a while until the aroma of the pizza, and the fact that my 3 year old kept shoving it in my face was just too much. I ate a piece. Same thing with the cookie.

Don't eat pizza and cookies.
Eating pizza and cookies in moderation is fine. For some people, some times. But this is exactly what I was writing about in the Choosing to Choose post. I CAN'T eat that stuff right now. I just can't. Because as hard as I try not to think this way, it still creates the mentality that I messed up that day. Which oddly, leads to other mess ups. Which is all really *messed up* if you ask me, but that's just the way it is. I should have taken my own lunch. Plain and simple. I'm a big girl. If someone wants to know why I'm not eating pizza, I can tell them.

Don't share a tracker until I am getting into bed.
I never thought about this, but in the moment I started the binge, I know I was subconsciously depending on the tracker I had already posted...as a safety net or sorts. If I had known I was going to have to face the tracker one more time before bed, I'm betting that I wouldn't have eaten what I ate. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is the first time I posted the tracker before I ate dinner and it turned out pretty bad. So I'm not going to do that any more.

The most important thing I need to remember, and I think this knowledge has served me well in this particular binge incident, is that no matter how much preparation, planning, or precaution goes into it, I am still a flawed human being. The occasional binge is likely to happen in this process. Hopefully the duration of the binge gets shorter and shorter and the duration of the time in between binges gets longer and longer.

Lots of mistakes, but one thing I did right: I got up this morning, faced what happened last night and now I'm moving on. That's all any of us can do.

I found that there are three stages in every great work of God: First, it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done. If you persevere in faith, one day you will find it is done! --Hudson Taylor

Pizza & Cookie? Yes.

2012-01-15T17:54:00.000-06:00

Week in Review No.2

2012-01-15T17:35:00.000-06:00

Weight: 174
Loss/Gain: -2 lbs

Physical: My body is feeling so much better. It's a weird thing that happens--when I stop eating well and exercising, slowly my body begins to feel blah. And more blah. And more blah. But it happens slowly so I don't notice until I start taking care of my body again. Then it returns to it's happy place and I realize how very, very happy it is. :) I was thrilled on Saturday when I did a 4 mile run that my legs felt very strong and I never felt that I needed to walk. I am still running at a considerably slower pace than I was last year but that's okay. Burning those calories no matter what.

Mental: Getting the 4 miles in did a lot for my mental state. I have to keep pushing myself and reaching these goals to remind my mind that I can do hard things.

Emotional: Receiving thoughtful feedback from other bloggers is so helpful to me in this emotional battle. It does wonders for the heart to be reminded that I am not alone and to know that people are rooting and praying for me.

Spiritual: I used my memory verse this week as a prayer: Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24... and boy did He deliver on showing me my offensive ways. Ouch. It's been a week of deep introspection. But I definitely need those.

Highlights of the week:

Running 4 miles!
Fact that running 4 miles is a highlight of my week:)
Walked away from a binge

Goals for next week:

Go for all smiles again
2 shorts runs, 2 bike rides, one 4 mile run, 2 rest days
Do something fun and out of the ordinary

2 Outta 3 Ain't Bad

2012-01-14T21:51:00.006-06:00

Hit 2 out of the 3 goals I set for myself today. And since I said I was going for persistence, not perfection, we'll go ahead and call that a success! I did not have a 6 am quiet time. It was more like 9 am. But it was still good. I did have an all smiles tracker and I ran 4 miles! It was the first time I've run more than 5K since the half marathon last spring! It felt so good to know I still have it in me. And I was pretty comfortable running, which I have not been over the past couple weeks.

After 2 weeks on plan I can almost hear my body saying, "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" I feel so great.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Praise him all creatures here below. Praise Him above, ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Can't really say it any better than Thomas Ken did here in the Doxology.

Side note: Kudos to Mr. Ken! Lots of folks still singing his song over 300 years after it was written. However, we have been missing out on a great deal of it! When I searched to see who penned the words of the Doxology, I found that it is actually the final verse of a beautiful hymn. And after reading the entire piece, I've decided to definitely get up at 6 am tomorrow! :)

Awake, My Soul, and With the Sun

Awake, my soul, and with the sun
Thy daily stage of duty run;
Shake off dull sloth, and joyful rise,
To pay thy morning sacrifice.

Thy precious time misspent, redeem,
Each present day thy last esteem,
Improve thy talent with due care;
For the great day thyself prepare.

By influence of the Light divine
Let thy own light to others shine.
Reflect all Heaven’s propitious ways
In ardent love, and cheerful praise.

In conversation be sincere;
Keep conscience as the noontide clear;
Think how all seeing God thy ways
And all thy secret thoughts surveys.

Wake, and lift up thyself, my heart,
And with the angels bear thy part,
Who all night long unwearied sing
High praise to the eternal King.

All praise to Thee, who safe has kept
And hast refreshed me while I slept
Grant, Lord, when I from death shall wake
I may of endless light partake.

Heav’n is, dear Lord, where’er Thou art,
O never then from me depart;
For to my soul ’tis hell to be
But for one moment void of Thee.

Lord, I my vows to Thee renew;
Disperse my sins as morning dew.
Guard my first springs of thought and will,
And with Thyself my spirit fill.

Direct, control, suggest, this day,
All I design, or do, or say,
That all my powers, with all their might,
In Thy sole glory may unite.

I would not wake nor rise again
And Heaven itself I would disdain,
Wert Thou not there to be enjoyed,
And I in hymns to be employed.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

So love this. Good night.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

2012-01-14T10:32:00.010-06:00

As I mentioned in my Finish Year post and again here, one of my goals for this year is to finish each day with my kids (and husband when he's not at work) in God's word and in prayer. This was one of 4 "official" goals I set although I have a few other unofficial goals that I'm keeping to myself ;) I guess we can consider this a 2 week update on how that particular goal is going.

It started off rough. I won't lie. However, we were kind of prepared for the "roughness" because of our experience this summer when we tried on several occasions to have "family church," but it didn't go quite the way we had envisioned. You know, ideally our angelic children would be sitting on their knees, just inches away from their father and me, leaning in to hear every word we felt led to speak as if they were precious rubies and diamonds. They would offer up sweet prayers of repentance and sorrow for all of the times they chose not to listen and run around like wild bandits throughout the day. They would then leave the room, heads still bowed in meditation, enter into their own bedrooms to tidy up before hopping into bed and falling fast asleep.

Not sure how a veteran teacher could ever seriously entertain that kind of vision. In reality they were mostly yelling things about poop and picking at one another, rolling around on the floor through the prayers and still pretty much the same wild and woolly kids after the fact. In all honesty, I think that when our expectations of how things should go were not met this summer, we began to let go of our dream to have that special time with our family. Thankfully, God does not let desires that he puts into our hearts die or go unfulfilled. Amen!?

So on January 2 we began again. (I'm glad I've learned how to do that!) As I mentioned above, it was still rough, but this time we were expecting it to be. We made a commitment as a family to do this every night. There have even been a couple of nights when Jonah is the one reminding us it's time! The little wiggle worms are wiggly and giggly as ever and it has been difficult to embrace that. But God is helping us.We are trying to come up with ways to make the time fun and not "booo-riiing" as the kids would say. The kids are 6 (Jonah) and 3 (Glory), by the way.

Last night our devotion was about each day being a gift--whether we see it that way or not--and how if we allow God to lead us throughout our day there may be tough things we have to do but He also loves to surprise us with special things that we can enjoy. I put a little package of fruit gummies into a couple of large birthday sacks I saved, stuck some tissue paper in them and hid them behind two curtains in our dining room. Then we called the kids in the kitchen, turned on their favorite song I Will Follow by Chris Tomlin, and went on a little parade around the house.

We were singing and dancing (embrace the wiggliness, right?) but as we came to each room we would stop and give the kids something to do: 5 push-ups, pick up 10 toys, etc. In one room we asked Jonah to pray for the family and to our shock and amazement--He did! Straight from the heart. He is usually pretty shy on that. Finally, we ended up in the dining room and I told them to look behind the curtain and whatever was there they could have. The look on their faces seeing the sacks was priceless. We told them to listen quietly as Justin read the scripture:

Psalm 118:24 This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

1 Peter 2:21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.

and the application from Jesus Calling for kids:

Expect Surprises! When you live your life with Me, no day will ever be boring or predictable. Don't take the easiest path. Don't just get through the day. Live it! Be willing to follow me wherever I lead. Even when my way is scary, the safest place to be is by my side.

Then we prayed and they ate gummies. :) And no one was frustrated. And I know that we ALL learned something.

This goal is going to be the most challenging of all. I know that because it is the most important of all and Satan does not want it to happen. But we are going to keep trying, in God's strength. I'm so thankful and quite surprised, to be honest, that He never gives up on me. God's grace has definitely been the biggest and most pleasant surprise of my life!

That Old Feeling

2012-01-13T20:33:00.003-06:00

That old feeling. I had it today. The feeling like a lion is rising up in me and anything that even resembles food within in a 50 mile radius is going to be consumed. Like NOW.

It caught me off guard but I recognized it right away. (Well, right after I ate 5 saltine crackers in one bite I recognized it.) I stopped myself. I put up the crackers and everything else that I could stick in my mouth. I walked into the next room and asked the question I promised I would ask myself a lot more this year...Why?

I had just eaten a nice lunch. I wasn't thirsty. I had plenty to do. None of the probable answers fit. I grabbed a water, guzzled it down and went on my way. Within 5 minutes of that feeling coming over me, it was gone. Must. Remember.This. The feeling always goes away!

I ate 2 bites of homade banana pudding tonight. I counted it on the tracker and it made me go 20 calories over my ECs for the day. I kind of wish I hadn't done that, considering the post I wrote yesterday, but the way it went down combined with the saltine cracker incident earlier in the day are proof to me that I am regaining control of my eating.

A month ago I would have eaten a lot more pudding and kept it a secret from the tracker. The 5 saltine crackers would have needed a half pound of cheddar cheese to go with them. I would not have asked the question "why?" and I would be feeling sorry for myself right now rather than documenting all of this and preparing to joyfully receive the gift that is tomorrow.

Many times Saturdays are a challenging gift for me. Goals for tomorrow: 6 am quiet time, all-smile tracker, 4 mile run. Stay focused on persistence, not perfection.

Night.

Green Eggs & Bacon Dinner

2012-01-12T20:16:00.001-06:00

Choosing to Choose

2012-01-12T14:21:00.007-06:00

It took me many years to find the road of "begin again" but once I did, I've always been able to find my way back, eventually. I realize that I will have to begin again many, many times in my life; that's just part of it. But for now, I would like to keep moving in the right direction for as long as possible.

So I've been thinking about what happens when I veer off the path. Why do I do that? I know that detours can be important for the journey, but sometimes I just don't want to deal with a dad-gum detour for a while!

So back to the question. Why? I think sometimes I just get tired. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the color of grass on the other side. Sometimes the pressure of staying on track for so long just becomes too much. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I get too complacent.

Many different reasons; one common denominator: I make a choice.

In March 2010, this was my response to the first time in nearly 3 months I did not lose any weight at my weekly weigh-in:

Well, I could have predicted this. Don't get me wrong--I am perfectly happy with maintaining the lowest weight I can remember in about 7 years. I am just a little upset with myself because I can't tell you that I don't know how this happened. Or that TOM came to visit. Or that I have been stressed. Or that I haven't been able to work out. None of those apply. What I will tell you is that I made a choice this week. I chose to not lose weight. When I began to consume things that I had not planned on and had no intentions of recording, that's when I decided I would not lose weight this week. Even though I didn't say it out loud, deep down I knew that's what I was doing.

It was true then and it's true now. It's a choice I make.

So instead of focusing on all the various reasons I may want to veer off the path, I am going to hone in on the choice.

The key for me is sticking to a plan. My plan is a straight-forward eating plan with not a lot of wiggle room combined with near-daily exercise. I could go into more details about my plan, but that's not the point. The point is, when I follow the plan, it works. When I choose to veer off this plan, I am choosing not to lose weight that week. Plain and simple.

At this moment, with clarity of mind, I want to make the decision that no matter how tempting or innocent a future detour may seem, I DO NOT WISH TO TAKE IT. Kind of like you might encourage your child to decide that they will say "NO" to drugs before they are faced with that choice. My thinking is fuzzy when the choice needs to be made.

Take a baby shower, for instance. What happens to me is, in the heat of the moment where cake is being served I will convince myself that I need to experience this experience of eating cake just like everyone else. I might even tell myself that I am depriving myself if I don't have just a small piece. And so I make a choice. And yes that seems like a very small insignificant situation, but just something that small can lead to other small "situations" which ultimately lead to a maintenance week or even worse, a gain week. This I know to be true.

Hear this: there is nothing wrong with maintenance. There are far worse things. But for me, now? Not what I'm going for. Some people can choose to have a week where they are okay with maintaining. I am currently at a place where I know I am deceiving myself if I say I'm okay with having a week where I maintain or gain weight. I'm NOT okay with it. You can be okay with it for you, but right now--I'm not okay with it for me. I may be okay with that in a few months, but for now--I'm not okay with it.

Today I am making a decision for myself that I am not capable of making in "the moments". I am choosing the weight loss over the 5 bites of cake experience. I know this may seem like a really long blog post and all I really talked about was a detour and a baby shower, but as crazy as it may sound I think I just had a huge breakthrough.

Lastly, I would point out that it's tricky to stay true to yourself when there are so many voices speaking into our lives all the time whether it be from people we encounter on a daily basis, the talk shows we watch, the magazines we read, the blogs we frequent, etc. But when you find what works for you--stick with it. When you find what is true--believe it with all your heart. Don't look back. Make the choice to press into what you know is right.

Cereal, Lean Cuisine, Chicken

2012-01-11T22:23:00.001-06:00

Old, New, Borrowed & Blue

2012-01-11T14:44:00.000-06:00

Old: Running.

It's really not "old" to me yet, but I'm afraid that will happen. So I decided to add something new to my working out regimen.

New: Biking!

Haven't tried it in a while. The last time I did I couldn't make it up the hill right outside my house. Today I made it! But it hurt. Oh, wow. My legs and arms are still shaky. Great feeling to try something new. I am going to try biking on my cross days for the half marathon training. Last year I walked on those days. I am toying with the idea of a TRIATHLON!!! in July...so we'll see.

Borrowed: Headphones!

I couldn't find my ear buds so I borrowed my daughter's pink old-school headphones. They worked like a charm! And I think they are pretty darn cute, too.

Blue: Bike!

This was the cheapest bike we could find at Wal-Mart a couple of years ago when I decided I wanted to start riding a bike. I'm sure this is absolutely NOT what I should be riding, as I know absolutely nothing when it comes to bikes, but this is what I got. So ride it I will.

Is This Right?

2012-01-11T09:15:00.002-06:00

While I was running yesterday my music stopped playing. I had to make a decision. Would I take my gloves off in the freezing cold, drizzly weather to play music or would I just push through, alone with my own thoughts. Always a scary option!

I chose to leave the gloves on and face the fear of being alone with the stuff in my head. I began to think through goals present and goals past. One vlog I posted a long time ago came to mind. In it I spoke confidently of the trip I would take in just a few months after beginning my journey. On the trip I would be at goal weight, wearing a bikini (and NOT one of those old-lady bathing suits with a skirt, mind you) and I would be...done. Just a few short months after beginning, I would be done.

I was a cocky little thing.

As I thought of this video I shook my head and smiled to myself. I asked the Lord..."Why? Why in the world would you let me act like that? (Ha.) And by the way...why in the world am I here in the cold, in the rain, without my music, still with fat roll ever-flapping in the wind, running? Why am I here? Because I thought I would be on the beach sipping my fruity drink by now. Am I really here? Are sure this is right?"

I just kept running. And slowly but surely His answer came.

Yes, Keelie. You are here.

In the cold. In the rain. Even without your music and with your fat roll still flapping--you are running.

And you are talking to ME.

This is exactly right.

All Smiles Tracker

2012-01-10T20:13:00.000-06:00

You might be a Weigh-In extremist if:

2012-01-10T08:00:00.005-06:00

1. You almost passed out during your meeting one time because you didn't eat anything all day in an attempt to lose one tenth of a pound. But you drove through McDonald's on your way home from the meeting. And not for a salad.

2. You spend 30 minutes in the bathroom before weigh-in trying to get "everything" out that you can. Who knows how much that stuff weighs!

3. You have ever asked your leader if you can take the scale into the bathroom so you can weigh completely in the nude. You know, to get your "true" weight.

4. You need a special container like they have at airport security for all the stuff you have to take off before you weigh-in: earrings, glasses, shoes, belts, rubber bands, contacts...

5. You have ever dug smelly, dirty, stained clothes out of the hamper and put them on because that is your "weigh-in outfit."

6. You have ever brought a doctor's note to your meeting with the weight that you weighed at the Dr. office earlier that day.

7. Before you step on the scale, you spend 15 or more minutes explaining to the person who weighs you in why you probably gained weight that week. You apologize to that person.

8.You have ever made counterfeit copies of the one "skip a weigh-in" card that comes in your new members' kit.

9. You have ever actually tried to converse with a scale, especially in a negative manner.
10. You have "put your scale away" because it is tripping you up, but you continue to climb up in a chair to get it down from the tip top of your closet 2-3 times a day. You fall, nearly break your back and think about suing the scale manufacturer.
................................................................................

Forgive me, but I've been revisiting some posts from last year and I just wanted to re-share this one.

Do you think you might be a "weigh-in extremist"? Please do share your crazy stories!

Oatmeal, Salad, Casserole

2012-01-09T20:16:00.000-06:00

I had smiles across the board...just forgot to add the totals :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

That Girl; This Girl

2012-01-09T12:00:00.007-06:00

Appearances are deceiving.

Would you believe that the most remarkable difference in these two people has nothing to do with what you can see? The biggest difference is in the way their minds work.

The tragic mistake I believe most people make when it comes to weight loss (which is the mistake I made for so many years) is that we totally neglect the hard work that needs to be done to change the MIND. The way we think informs our every decision, action, and belief. So it stands to reason that merely altering the food we put into our mouths could never be all that it takes to sustain lasting change.

When I found this photo:

I began to weep. Weep.

Doesn't it look like a mugshot? Because I was in prison. A prison in my own mind.

It doesn't have to be like this. Life is not supposed to be like this.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10

The most valuable makeover I have received is the one in my thought-life. The way I think continues to be changed and renewed daily. This is the transformation that we all need desperately---and maybe don't even realize. I tried to put the before and after into a visual:

If This Girl could talk to That Girl today, she would tell her that help is on the way. This Girl would say that it IS possible. This Girl would declare that emotions have reigned for long ENOUGH! She would tell That Girl that the pain of change is worth more than she could ever imagine. This Girl would tell That Girl that she is not disgusting and that she has worth far beyond what the eyes can see. This Girl would tell That Girl there is hope. This Girl would tell That Girl to get up and start taking steps, right now.

Because That Girl is going to make it...after all.

REAL FAT on Facebook

2012-01-08T20:21:00.001-06:00

I would love for you to "like" REAL FAT on Facebook if you haven't already. I am going to start posting there more throughout the day with food pics and random stuff. Always feel free to share your tips, encouraging thoughts, etc. on the page as well!

Cereal, Frozen, Soup & Salad

2012-01-08T20:02:00.000-06:00

Week in Review No.1

2012-01-08T13:15:00.008-06:00

Weight: 176.0

Loss/Gain: -4 lbs

Physical: I planned a few days worth of meals last Sunday. That was helpful. I updated my tracker after each meal, every day. I really enjoyed eating healthy food this week. I tried hard to make sure I only ate food that really tasted good to me. By my definition, I cut out sugar except for in my creamer this week. Just not sure I'm going to give that up. If my sweets cravings weren't gone by the end of this week I was going to consider it, but I really haven't struggled with wanting sweets this week. I do continue to eat grains and fruits that have sugar in them. No dessert-y things. Got back in the game, so to speak, with my running. Registered for a half marathon in April. Knees are sore, but overall the body feels much better after just one week of regular exercise. Sleeping well again and able to get up in the mornings much easier. That's what exercise will do for ya!

Mental: The mind that I know and love has returned. By setting some goals and meeting them early on this week, it's like the clutter in my mind began to clear out. Being sober-minded is how I think of it. My mind does not work properly when I am living a free-for-all where my health is concerned. It really is like I am drunk because of over-eating and being sedentary. My mind deceives me when I live like that. So thankful to be "clean" for a whole week.

Emotional: Working on getting my emotions back in check. I know my emotions were not made to control me. Lots of prayer and just sticking to my plans is helping here. Encouragement from the blogging world, friends and family has (always) been crucial. Many thanks to you all!

Spiritual: Picked up where I left off in a First Place 4 Health Bible study book I had called God's Purpose for Your Life this week. Great! Kind of funny because in today's sermon my pastor said that the Bible never calls us to a Purpose-Driven life, but a Spirit-filled life. That was good for me to hear because I am one who perhaps focuses a bit too much on "the purpose". I always want to--really, really want to--understand why things happen or how they are going to happen...so that I can know my purpose. But I'm starting to realize that simply living each moment presently seeking the Holy Spirit to direct my actions is the purpose of my life. And many times that means not knowing "WHAT"S THE POINT OF THIS!?" LOL. Kind of combines the two things. Anyway...Ultimately Jesus is the purpose. God has been faithful to me. It feels like I have been in the wilderness for the past 4 months and now he is bringing me out. I did not resist temptation as Jesus did in the wilderness. But I did wait on the Lord. I believed that he would rescue me from the pit as He has so many times before. I was truly blessed by this passage today as I feel like the words speak so loudly to what this week has been like for me:

Jesus Heals Blind Bartimaeus (Mark 10)

46 And they came to Jericho. And as he was leaving Jericho with his disciples and a great crowd, Bartimaeus, a blind beggar, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the roadside. 47 And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 48 And many rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 49 And Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” And they called the blind man, saying to him, “Take heart. Get up; he is calling you.” 50 And throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. 51 And Jesus said to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” And the blind man said to him, “Rabbi, let me recover my sight.” 52 And Jesus said to him, “Go your way; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he recovered his sight and followed him on the way.

Highlights for this week: Got up.

Goals for next week: Stay up; keep going. Remember that Jesus is the purpose...the cause, the way, the solution, the comfort, the Promise.

All Smiles Tracker

2012-01-07T22:22:00.000-06:00

Dressing Your Muffin, Revisited

2012-01-07T12:46:00.002-06:00

Original post date: 2/10/10

Coming from an unlikely source, but a source nonetheless, here is a fashion tip:

Don't drop down a size before your time!

Tempting though it may be, do not, under any circumstances, do it. This is why.

208 lbs in a size 16

208 lbs in a size 18

Just in case you aren't getting it, let's take another look. From behind.

208 lbs in a size 16

208 lbs in a size 18

It is SO much fun to drop down a size! Believe me--I know. That is precisely the reason I had these 16s on tonight--just checking in with them. Much to my disappointment, the proof was in the photo. The muffin is not "mini" yet. It's not even standard. So, in my 18s I will stand proud.

Patience my dear friends, patience.

P.S. This goes for skinny folk too. No one is immune to muffin tops. Just buy the next size up and deal. You can thank me later.

***************************************************

I always loved that post :) Definitely no muffin top on those pants today, 1/07/12:

Oats & Fruit, Tostada, Spaghetti

2012-01-06T21:32:00.000-06:00

Leftover Cinnamon Rolls

2012-01-06T09:31:00.002-06:00

Friday is cinnamon roll day around here--for the kids. The problem is that I have 2 children and the number of rolls that come in the can is always 3 or 4 too many. So after the morning routine is over, the kids are at school and I'm back here...its' just me, a quiet house and 3 cinnamon rolls. There are a couple of ways I typically like to use up my leftover cinnamon rolls!

Fat Me Method

The favorite way of Fat Me is to just simply eat them. Pop them in this big ole' mouth 1, 2, 3. And BOOM--cinnamon rolls are gone. It is a really easy way to use up the leftover cinnamon rolls that would otherwise go to waste. The faster I eat them, the better. It's like they were never here. They are immediately gone and I don't have to worry about eating sweets anymore for the rest of the day. (Right.)

REAL Me Method

The favorite way of Real Me is to drown them under the faucet. I know this probably offends someone. Yes, I do realize there are starving people in this world. However I can't get to them this morning and I seriously doubt that using the Fat Me method of "stuff and inhale" does any of those starving people a favor. Why not just throw them away, you ask? Because I can dig.

The bad news is that I am an addict. The good news is that I know it.

P.S. In the event a faucet's not available, having someone else spit on the food works well, too.

Toast, Chick-fil-a & Tacos

2012-01-05T20:49:00.000-06:00

Waffle Fry Break-up

2012-01-05T14:48:00.006-06:00

Dear Chick-fil-a Waffle Fries,

I missed you today. When I crossed the threshold into your fine abode, I smelled you. Your amazingly salty, perfectly crisp, fluffy, criss-crossy fried potato smell. Yes, I smelled that. And I felt weak in the knees. The good folks at CFA know how to fry you up. It's a beautiful thing. I will never deny that.

In a moment of weakness, I decided I would just go with you instead of the side salad I had been planning on. For old times' sake, I would choose you. I used the reasoning that I should allow myself some indulgences to keep from snapping one day and making a mistake for which I could never forgive myself. A value-sized mistake, if you know what I mean. This is the reasoning the "fat me" likes to use. Because its sounds very...reasonable. And it allows me to eat unhealthy things, no offense. Thankfully the "real me" caught on and vetoed the "fat me" decision. I ate the salad.

You can't really be part of my eating experience anymore. At least not for a long while. I guess what I'm saying is...we need a break. It's just easier for me to stick to a plan. I should always have a plan and always stick to a plan. A plan that doesn't include you. Sure you would have tasted amazing today, but if I had eaten you I would be really sad right now. You're just no good for me right now. What I need right now is your perkier, more colorful cousin--side salad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but when I ate side salad today, I liked it. And I don't regret it. I won't lie and say that I enjoyed it as much as I would have enjoyed eating you, but I made a choice. The choice was better health over a better "taste" experience. I think I'm going somewhere and the place I'm going, well...you just can't come.

Sitting here now thinking through this, realizing that I am completely happy and satisfied with the choice I made today gives me strength to go into the next temptation I will face. This afternoon I will be somewhere that cake is being served. I am firmly resolved to not have a piece of cake. But if I had eaten you today, I might not have the same resolve about the cake. It has taken me quite a while and many, many struggles to finally rest in the fact that this is how I must operate to stay on plan and to lose the weight. Do you get it? Are you proud of me? Can't you just be happy for me?

Everyone is different. I know some people think they can have their side salad and eat you, too. But I'm more of a "one side" kind of girl. For now, the side for me is the salad. Or perhaps even the soup if I'm feeling frisky. Oh, I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me...

I know you'll be fine. I take comfort in knowing that there are plenty--plenty--of people who still love you. Heck, I still love you! You're just no good for me. Hopefully this will not make things weird between us. I still want to be around you without wanting to consume you. Over time I may forget about you. If that happens, don't be sad. Just know that I enjoyed every moment we spent together. I have enough memories to last a million lifetimes.

I hope you realize that our farewell is truly for the best. Thanks for being there for me, CFA Waffle Fries. No one can ever take your place...in my arteries.

All my love,

Omelette, Salmon & Leftovers

2012-01-04T22:08:00.000-06:00

Workout Update & Reflections

2012-01-04T16:08:00.000-06:00

And it's back to the pavement. I did 3 miles today, walked about half and jogged the other half. I was moving slowly but I was moving and that's more than can be said of the past several months of my life. Yay. As I was doing my workout, many exercise-related revelations I've had over the past couple of years kept swirling around in my mind. I thought I would list some of them here.

What happens in the gym doesn't necessarily stay in the gym.
The first time I tried to run a mile I was on a treadmill at the gym. I weighed about 210 lbs. I had been walking mostly and jogging a little bit for a month or so. For some reason, one night I just decided I would try to jog an entire mile. So I started. I got about half way done and I started sucking wind. I was hurting a lot. I distinctly remember reaching up to slow the machine down and something inside of me said, "Don't do it. This is what you always do when it gets hard. You quit. Don't quit." It dawned on me that if I could push through here on the treadmill and do it differently than ever before it might give me confidence to do that with making healthy food choices and everything else in life that I would normally quit. So I kept running. I finished the mile. I know that was a milestone in my weight loss journey because even now when I need to do something that is hard, I always think about that night and I know that I can do it. And I haven't quit yet;)

Usually workouts are uncomfortable.
I know this seems like a no-brainer, but I don't think I ever really embraced this fact before I got serious about training. If a video or class hurt or made me get really out of breath I would quit doing it and say it was "too hard." This is also what I said about running. But really--that's the whole point of working out. Pushing your body to new levels of fitness. And pushing to new levels hurts. Seeing 500+ lb. people on the Biggest Loser running on treadmills was what really opened my eyes. I knew if they could do it then surely I could. Now I know that if there is not some discomfort involved (obviously I'm not talking about pulled muscles, etc.) then I'm probably not having an effective workout.

Thinking of each workout individually.
Sometimes it helps me to think of each workout as it's own unique entity. If I think about working out as an on-going thing it can seem daunting and overwhelming. But when I think in terms of one workout at a time, much like the "one day at a time" mentality, it helps. For instance, when exercise seems so horrible that I would rather gouge my eyes out, I do a 15 minute week. Because I can do anything for 15 minutes. But I do it everyday for a week. That is the trick. It helps get a routine going without the drudgery of horribly intense workouts.

Think of each workout as part of a whole.
Yes, this is the exact opposite of what I just said. Sometimes it's helpful to think individually and day to day, but other times I need to focus on the big picture. This was my mentality when I did the half marathon training last year. I knew that each run on it's own was a very important part of the whole training. There were many days that I could have easily chosen to skip a run, but by thinking of each one as a building block to my final destination it really motivated me to be consistent. If you are doing a training program such as Couch to 5K, 10K, half marathon training--I highly advise doing all of the training runs no matter how insignificant they seem. This is training you just as much mentally as it is physically, and that can be the toughest part! Which leads me to my next point...

I can reason with my body.
This was something I discovered one day when I was running 8 miles and I was on mile 7. Maybe this is something everyone knows and there are probably even books about it (way over my head I imagine) but I had never done this. What I did was try to separate my mind and my body. Weird, right? That's the only way I know how to describe it. It was like my body was physically hurting but I did not let my mind think about that. I would reason my way through the run. I would ask myself questions like, If you continue, will you die? or Will your knee actually burn up and fall off if you keep going or is that just how it feels? or Will you be able to take another breath after this one? The answers would always direct me to the reality that this was not going to kill me but make me stronger. The fact is that this kind of physical pain while working out can not actually kill me but a lack of activity and the painless artery-clogging foods I love to eat can! I choose not to think about the pain and think about the rewards of healthy living. There were a few times while running when I seriously answered "yes, I think I will die" in which case I slowed way down and usually that did the trick. I know this may seem really weird, but someone give it a try and let me know...

There will always be an excuse.
Like death and taxes--there will always be excuses. The excuses for not working out seem to be most plentiful for me. There is always something more appealing, more pressing, more important for me to do when it comes time to workout (or so it seems). But I know that, for me personally, weight loss is impossible without exercise. It has to be a priority just like getting out of bed or brushing my teeth or taking my kids to school--if my goal is weight loss.

I never regret a workout.
That's it, I never regret a workout.

Oatmeal, Stir fry & Lean Cuisine

2012-01-03T20:03:00.000-06:00

Watching Biggest Loser and filling out my tracker. It can only mean one thing...

Stepping Toward the Finish

2012-01-03T13:31:00.002-06:00

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." CS Lewis

This is the short list of things I want to finish in 2012 and these are the small steps I am taking toward finishing them today:

Finish losing the excess weight.
It's no secret to readers of this blog that I want to lose weight. I started in January of 2010. By the grace of God I had determination like never before. I lost 50+ pounds that year. Last year was more of a maintenance year. I completely fell off my wagon in the past couple of months. This fall gave me a renewed sense of why I am doing this--many, many reasons involved. I still need to lose 40 lbs. to reach the "healthy" weight category. That is my goal--healthy! What can I specifically do to move toward finishing this weight loss each day?

plan/track my food and exercise daily
blog daily
in the Word daily
constantly seek the presence of God for my portion

Today's lunch and would you believe--I finished it! Yea me!

Finish books I have started.
I have a terrible habit of reading a couple of chapters in a book and then being sucked into another one. I rarely finish a book. I have packed all of my paper books away and am limiting myself to what is on the Kindle only. I am also only reading one book at a time. Currently I am reading The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges. Great book. One a month will do the trick.

Finish a half marathon.
Last year I completed my first half marathon. Considering where I started in the physical activity arena--anyone would agree this was quite an accomplishment for me! Besides the birth of my children, this is definitely the most remarkable thing my body has ever done. It was an amazing experience. Since then I completely stopped running. The Texas summer was my excuse. No more excuses. I feel like crap when I'm not exercising. I want my runner's legs back and I want to be able to run 13 miles without stopping again! I am going to be running in the Big D Half on April 15! Whoo hoo! Now to start training! Hal Higdon was good to me last time around...

Finish each day in the Word and prayer with the kids.
If I don't do anything else this is the ONE. This is my #1 job in life--to disciple my children. We have family time with God but is has never been consistent or daily. It should be. It has never been on the "goal list." It should be. If our relationship with Jesus is the most important thing to us, and we say that it is, then we should live like it is by making it a priority. We are using a kids devotional book Jesus Calling. There is an adult version of Jesus Calling that Justin and I use also. They coincide with each other. Highly recommend both! Last night Jonah read some passages to us from his new "Big Boy Bible" and we prayed. It was simple but everyone seemed much more at peace about facing today by the time we were done.

What do you want to finish this year?

Keeping Track

2012-01-02T21:59:00.002-06:00

I have a love-hate relationship with my tracker. I love it when I am eating well and exercising, hate it when I'm not. Shocker! There is one thing I know about the tracker--when I use it consistently, I lose weight. Another shocker!

There was a period of about a month this summer where I posted my tracker nearly everyday. I was trying to meet a 30 day challenge and failed at that, but in the big picture it was really helpful for me to post the tracker here for accountability.

Since I quit leading/attending First Place 4 Health meetings back in the fall (one day I will write that post...) it has been really difficult to stay on top of the disciplines that helped me be successful with consistent weight loss, namely maintaining my tracker. I know that I need that particular kind of accountability, so I am going to utilize the blog once again for this. I'm not challenging myself to 30 days or any set amount of time. I'm just going to try my very best to be consistent. ~~Feel free to~~ PLEASE ask me what's up if I don't post a tracker for a few days. It probably means I'm eating junk. I need to be asked! I need accountability.

I had a serious talk with myself before I decided I was going to track like this again. It does seem a little excessive and it is difficult to get this thing posted every day. Is it obsessive to track like this? Will I go insane? I asked myself the question I am going to ask myself A LOT this year: Why? If I do this, why am I doing it?

The conclusion I came to is that yes, it is difficult and yes, it will take a lot of focus and commitment. I don't think it's an obsession but rather it is a discipline. I don't think I will go insane because in the end it is going to keep me healthier than I would be without doing it and I will forgive myself and keep going even if I mess up. The reason I am going to post my tracker as near to daily as I can is because I have made it a goal to finish losing the excess weight I carry this year. That goal is not going be accomplished by chance. Reaching that goal will require determination, focus, discipline, accountability and a whole lotta grace.

Will doing the tracker alone ensure that I reach the goal? No. But I don't believe I will even come close without it.

Today's tracker:

Oh yes. I will frequently make--or what appear to be--mathematical errors on the tracker...I didn't not eat grapes today. That was from a previous tracker. It's important that I note--I'm not as concerned with the perfection of the tracker as much as the consistency of doing it. I can't go too many days posting a tracker with horrible food choices on there. That's why it keeps me in line. Hope that makes sense...

Here are some frequently asked questions I got when I was posting the tracker before...

How do you know your "goal amount" for each food group?
I follow a plan very similar to what is recommended on http://www.choosemyplate.gov/. You can get your personal recommendations for weight loss by entering your information here: https://www.choosemyplate.gov/SuperTracker/createprofile.aspx Make sure to select the option "move toward a healthier weight" if you are wanting to lose! Otherwise it will base your targets off a 2000 calorie plan. Of course you can adjust your target amounts, this is just a tool that is close to what I use. The plan I actually use is presented in the First Place 4 Health Member's Guide.

What does E/C stand for?
Empty calories. Anything that does not fall under one of the food group headings gets recorded here. Snack cookies, ice cream bars, sugar in your coffee, etc. Goal is to stay under 200 empty calories per day. Obviously zero is best. I put the line to document the empty calories right at the top of each meal so I would be more aware of it.

Can I get a copy of the tracker?
Here you go: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Joe-K4IbenZ6s93BEFt3ZGwwnNdDe4KDE7AQhEGJN0g/edit

How do you keep up with what you eat throughout the day?
I like to keep a paper copy with me all day that has a tentative plan (best way for me is to plan a week's worth of meals at one time), make changes throughout the day as needed, and record my final tracker online at the end of the day.

Are there other trackers available online?
There are tons of great tracking sites out there: Spark People, My Fitness Pal, Lose It, MyNet Diary, as well as Choose My Plate's Super Tracker. Most of these listed come as phone apps, as well. My tracker is obviously not for everyone. I just made it up and it works for me. The important thing is not how you track, but simply that you DO track.

The Adventure of a Lifetime

2012-01-01T09:59:00.000-06:00

My husband's cousin got married last night. It was a beautiful ceremony, with a beautiful bride and groom. They were dubbed the "real life Barbie and Ken" by the father of the bride and I have to say I could not agree more. The couple celebrated their new life together surrounded by family and friends and we all cheered and kissed and waved sparklers with them right in to the new year.

I'm really glad and thankful that I got to experience this wedding on the eve of a new year. Something that struck me was how much fun the wedding guests were having.When the music fired up on the dance floor there were toddlers all the way to 80+ year-olds shakin' it like I've never seen. Laughing, hugging, waving their hands up in the air. Now, I don't know that I'm going to take up dancing in 2012, but seeing that carefree joy on the faces of people dancing and just enjoying life in the moment made me realize that I skip that sometimes. Okay, I skip it a lot.

I don't want to skip it...

The couple will soon move to Singapore as our cousin recently took a position there. They will be there for at least three years. They basically have a storybook, fairytale life going on. The adventure of a lifetime! I'm really happy and excited for them to begin to discover what God has in store for their lives together. I can't imagine a more wonderful way to start out.

About the time they are boarding a plane, I will still be living in the country with cows mooing and kids yelling my name, loading the dishwasher, potty training, checking homework, counting calories...far, far away from the glamorous life I imagine a place like Singapore has to offer a newlywed couple. But, I will be living out the adventure of my lifetime also. And so will you.

The question is, will we realize it?

Where each of us is right now is the gift God has given. It's the place He has planned for each of us to be since the beginning of time. I pray that I will embrace the gift and live fully in each and every moment, never skipping an opportunity to celebrate, laugh, hug or cry. Or dance?

Chad & Tara, if you happen to read this--Thank you for being you and inspiring us all to joyfully live life to the fullest. Enjoy your adventure!

Happy New Year everyone!

Rehearsal Dinner

2011-12-30T17:59:00.001-06:00

Goal=eat like a normal person. I'll check back in tomorrow to pat myself on the back... Or confess. In the mean time, gonna enjoy a fab night.

Yay for city lights... Again!

Workout Done, Cupcake Declined

2011-12-29T15:53:00.001-06:00

I'm getting things together for a weekend wedding in the city! Look out Big D--here I come! As soon as I get my "matronly" (word my seamstress used :) dress hemmed up. I had to get it because it only cost me $4. But that's another story...

It's kind of hard to tell in this picture but this is a "slimming" dress. Much like the swimsuits with built-in support, this dress has some spanx built right in to it. Pretty handy! But it was a tad too long. Hence the matronly descriptor. The length paired with the criss-crossed ruching made the dress look a bit like...well, one of those slimming swimsuits (the ugly kind) only with a really long skirt on it. Matronly. Yes. Yay for alterations! And showing knees;) Hopefully with the right jewelry and shoes I can pull it off.

So I DID work out today! I did 90% of the 100 Workout.

It was a good way to come back from a long...off-season ;). Tomorrow I will add the final 10 min of jogging.

Here's the photo, although there's no sweat so I guess you'll just have to take my word for it.

Anyways...

I was really trying to focus on being present in the moment today. This morning was tricky. I started off my day with a bowl of cereal and then a pig in a blanket from the donut shop. Whoops. I seriously had consumed it before I even realized. That's where I'm at. Then I headed to town and was drawn to a new coffee shop called Coffee and Cream. (sucker for a great name) I was excited to try "the best cup of coffee in town" but when I got in there I discovered that it was also a bakery. :-/ I quickly spotted what appeared to be the "best cupcakes in town" as well. I almost bought one. Almost. But I thought of declining as a small step in the right direction. I added some Equal and skim milk to my best cup of coffee in town and walked out the door.

Caution: This is Hard

2011-12-28T21:47:00.003-06:00

Oh yeah. This is going to be hard.

Slowly but surely over the past few months or so I have gone completely astray from the lifestyle that I once embraced. No exercise. No tracking. No weighing. No eating healthy. And NO restraint. Apparently it was a mistake for me to think that it was going to be a piece of cake, so to speak, to return to the healthy and active way of living. It's not like riding a bicycle. At all. I am going to have to completely de-program and then completely re-program. This is going to basically be like a nightmare.

I have just been sitting around waiting for the fire to ignite underneath me. It ain't happenin'. So. I'm going to have to work. I'm probably going to have to go to bed hungry sometimes. I'm going to have to hurt while I exercise. I'm going to have to watch people eat things I want to eat. I'm going to have to get used to getting up early again. I'm going to have to drive past my favorite drive thrus. I'm going to have to figure out how to change my scale from kilos back to pounds...

There is definitely some hard work on the horizon. But some of the best memories I have from the year I began to lose weight are of accomplishments that were a result of sweaty, teary, gritty hard work. That's exactly what's about to happen, so I know I'll be making memories. Hopefully these memories will serve as a reminder to never let myself go this far astray again!

It's all part of "the journey," right?

I'm going to post a workout update with pics tomorrow. Someone hold me to that!

Finish Year

2011-12-26T22:42:00.006-06:00

From Jon Acuff's blog:

I am amazing at starting things.

I start new books, new dreams, new projects, new ideas with an admirable amount of energy, enthusiasm and drive.

Finishing things?

That’s another story. Finishing is kind of a drag to me. I think it’s the hardest part of a project. It’s not nearly as fun as starting. Starting is sexy and easy and fireworks over the sky as we celebrate the possibility of where this adventure will lead us!

I hate finishing. I used to be horrible at finishing.

Unfortunately, though, I learned a secret about starting and finishing.

Starting a project doesn’t change the world. Finishing a project changes the world.

Read the full post here.

When I read this, I was thinking, "Yup, that's me." I was thinking of my weight loss goals and this blog. I was thinking about my family and the things I want for them. I was thinking about how good I am at starting things and how very, very bad I am at finishing them. I don't want to be a quitter. I want to be a finisher.

God willing, in 2012:

I will finish losing the weight that I set out to lose back in January of 2010. 50 down, 40 to go...
I will run and finish my second half marathon.
I will finish reading every book that I have purchased on my Kindle and only half read. 12 of them.
I will finish each day in God's word and in prayer with my children.

Writing out this finish list is scary.

I'm going to share it here.

Messy Day

2011-12-22T22:51:00.000-06:00

I finished our Christmas shopping today. Mostly. I was experiencing some anxiety due to that fact I was shopping for the majority of our gifts on Dec. 22 and my son hurt his ankle last night. I took Jonah to have his ankle x-rayed this afternoon and it turns out to be a sprain. Thank you, Lord. So instead of worrying about a broken bone in my 6 year old, I got to put bows on pretty little packages this evening.

And now for the messy. I did not think about the food that I ate today. I was kind of shocked at myself. Even as the food was going into my mouth (various fast food joints and an assortment of homemade candy), I was so confident in my complete 180 yesterday and Tuesday, it really baffled me that the addiction took over today.

One day at a time.

I am going to focus on Emmanuel tomorrow. He came to us, He is with us.

I Forgot About NSVs

2011-12-21T16:37:00.000-06:00

Haven't really posted about NSVs in a while. Here is one:

Yesterday was a Tuesday and I tracked my food and exercised for the first time in weeks. It was a Tuesday! This is huge. First steps never used to happen on a Tuesday. But now they do. This seems so monumental to me. I never even gave a thought to the fact that I could spend basically a whole week eating whatever I wanted and being lazy before the next Monday comes around. Not to mention a major food eating holiday would be included. These things didn't even cross my mind!

Until just a few minutes ago when fat-me thought, "Wow! What's up? You didn't consider waiting until Monday to get back on track! You wanna re-think that, right?" But the answer is no. Because the self-discipline of the past two days has yeilded the most freedom and peace I've felt in months. At the same time, I am not freaking out about what I'm going to eat and what my strategies will be at all of the Christmas and New Year's gatherings I will attend over the next few days. Not that strategies are bad, but freaking out about them is and that's what I used to do.

As much as I may tend to think of my current state as "backslidden," the fact of the matter is that true and lasting change has taken place inside of me, inside my mind. Thankful for this NSV!

Don't forget about NSVs!

P.S. For anyone who doesn't know, NSV stands for Non Scale Victory. :)

New Song, New Step

2011-12-20T14:02:00.000-06:00

Today is a beautiful day. I ate oatmeal for breakfast with chopped Gala apple, apple butter and Natural peanut butter. I had coffee with skim milk. No, it wasn't quite the same as the cup I had two nights ago with the heavy cream, but it was strong and it gave me some energy. I went for a walk. Only about 3/4 a mile until I stepped into ankle deep water. Thankfully my Johnny-on-the-spot was there to pick me up within minutes. Although it is slight and only through one nostril, I am breathing. I can feel a new song being written in my heart.

I have been contemplating the comments that have been trickling in since I posted last night about how difficult is is to blog these days. Thank you. So many wonderful, thoughtful, insightful comments to uplift and inspire me. And many things for me to ponder.

"Blogging is easy or hard depending on its original purpose." Kyle's observation led me to recall why I began blogging about my weight loss, in the first place. I think there were 2 main reasons: 1)accountability 2) I love to write. Much like Kyle, I just wanted a place to journal through the process. Honestly, I didn't think it would last that long so I certainly wasn't anticipating any sort of following. It seems like I was learning so much, so rapidly in those early days. I was posting about everything I was finding out about my mentality, how emotions play into this whole thing and the ultimate high was having a huge loss to talk about every week. It was exhilarating. Like a drug. In hind sight, probably not so good. But over time, it's just not like that anymore. I can see how God has been chiseling, molding and reshaping me. So the question is, what is my purpose for this blog now? I think they are the same but with an addition of a 3rd reason--to bring glory to God. Now that I've identified that as being the only change in purpose, it is easy for me to identify the source of my confusion, frustration and lack of peace where the blog is concerned--satan.

Cheri challenged me to consider if there is something God has asked me to do that he is waiting on me to complete, for this could be holding me up. I think the answer is most certainly "yes." He has asked me to persevere no matter what my mind, body or emotions are telling me. And much like the Israelites I have been camped out at the Mt. of "I can't see where this is headed so I'm gonna stop." The calling of God is pretty simple for me at this point. Step. I am reading The Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer and these words have been haunting me for several days: "Perhaps you still think you ought to think out beforehand and know what you ought to do. To that there is only one answer. You can only know and think about it by actually doing it. You can only learn what obedience is by obeying. It is no use asking questions; for it is only through obedience that you come to learn the truth." Along the same lines, a post I read last night encouraged me so much with this: "If you haven't taken your first step, take it." I love how God can weave all of this together.

I was reminded by one of the comments that I am more "me" in this medium that anywhere--even than I am with myself in my own head. There is something about it that allows me to peel and peel and peel away layers and just when I think I've gone all the way to the core--there is still more to peel. That's when the REAL happens. And the writing is what does the peeling. So just as others feel they know me more through this blog, I would say I know myself so much more because of it, as well.

Several comments made me realize that I am focused on the wrong audience. While I must keep in mind that people are reading this--after all, it is a WEB log and if I didn't want the element of readership I would just keep a private journal-- however, ultimately the audience of One I answer to is God. He always knows my heart and I trust that he will do with my words as He wishes. I trust that he is bigger than any mistake I have ever or could ever dream of making. Keeping that in mind should help avoid much of the reader-related anxiety :-) I did love the suggestion to have a spiritual mentor look over any posts that I am concerned about. Thanks, AJ T. Will do.

I just read a comment from Stacey who mentioned that as far as weight loss goes, she didn't know how she could accurately express in words all that God has done. A light bulb went off when I read that. I have mentioned several times on this blog that I struggle with perfectionism. Maybe not in the way that most people would identify perfectionism, but in terms of needing things to be "all or nothing." I agree with Stacey that God has done so much in my mind and heart that there is no way I could adequately express that in words, even if I spent the rest of my life trying. Particularly in the past few months He has done a great deal of work in me. I am so overwhelmed with His mercy and grace in my life. What if I can't get it all out? What if I can't make the world see what He has done?

But just as it is with weight loss, it can never be all or nothing. It will never be. I can never think that all of this rides on me and my ability to do it completely, perfectly. I can never think that--because it is not possible. And I can never think it is my job or ability to completely convey the greatness and vastness of God Almighty. That is the job of Christ alone.

So, in Him I will live, move, and breathe. And blog.

Blogging is Hard. Why?

2011-12-19T20:31:00.002-06:00

SO many times I sit down and pour my heart out on this screen and then just close everything out without publishing. I have been asking myself the question, Why? Why does this not work the way it used to? I used to update my blog daily and sometimes twice daily! It was so simple. So I'm going to attempt blogging long enough to figure out why blogging has become so difficult for me...

For one thing...

I am afraid what I am sharing might be incorrect. Fear of being wrong, basically. I think it could be. The road of my weight loss has led me toward Jesus. Much of my thought processes, if not all, involve some type of theological assessment. Where is God in all of this....what does the Bible say...etc. So just about anything I am going write is going to involve these kinds of answers. Early on when this began to happen I was afraid people would quit reading because it was about God and Jesus. I worked through that and realized that I am not ashamed of the Gospel and in order to keep it real, that is just the way it would have to be, no matter what. Now I don't even think about offending in that way, but actually being a false teacher and leading someone astray. I know, and I know that everyone reading must know, that I am not a Bible scholar make lots of mistakes and there is grace for that. But what if the one time someone stopped by to read was the day I wrote about something I didn't really know about and was completely wrong about. Ah well, I guess that's already happened plenty.

And another thing...

I think about comments too much. Like right now I am predicting what comments will be left on this post and worried that people will not get what I am saying. I am resisting the urge to close out this post and climb in to bed so I don't have to deal with that. Now I am afraid that people will read what I just typed and not comment because of how weird I am being about it. And I certainly don't want that. I love comments! ( Okay--now everyone is getting a taste of how ridiculous I am)

Huge problem...

Sometimes I think what I am writing is redundant and pointless. (ha--especially after the previous paragraph.) For instance, I have the strong urge today to write a post about gaining 20 pounds from my lowest weight and then challenging anyone else in the same boat to join me in a "getting back on track challenge." Like if I put it in a neat little package it will ensure success. I want to come up with a fail-proof plan. But what if I fail with the failproof plan? And its on this blog for friends and family and complete strangers to see...and then I fail? And I almost always don't complete these challenges. Needless to say, I've decided to forgo a challenge for now, but then what do I write about? "Well, I'm just struggling. I'm just a mess. I'm feeling so blah. I'm eating so bad. Wah." Yeah...just can't bring myself to write posts like that, even when that is my reality. Perhaps that is exactly what I should be writing.

Wait.

Maybe it's not as fun to write on your weight loss blog when you are gaining weight. Maybe? Hmm...

Also...

The state of mind I am in one day is the exact opposite the next. Sometimes it changes minute to minute. On the one hand weight loss seems so trivial to me today. I know people who are suffering, children who are dying, families who are mourning loss of loved ones...and I'm going to sit down and blog about how many calories I ate today? It just doesn't make sense. But at the same time, I'm sinking. Without the structure, the accountability, the community...all of it--I am sinking. I'm gaining. I'm fearful. I'm anxious. I'm not free.

What has happened!?

I started out 2 years ago wanting to be skinny. Then I learned that I should want to be healthy, not just skinny. Then I learned that I should want to be healthy to honor God with my body, not to be skinny. Then I began to want to honor God with my body, but I also still wanted to be skinny. Now I just want to honor God with my body and I don't care nearly as much if I'm skinny. So this is a huge shift that has taken place over the course of 2 years and I just don't really know how blogging fits into the new picture. Because in the beginning it was about being cutesy and it just gradually got more and more and more about being "real". Lately there hasn't been a lot of cute. But there hasn't been much "real" either.

Should I continue with this blog?

I have been reading the online journal of someone lately that has had a huge impact on me. She would have no idea the way that it has blessed me and I know that it must be a huge sacrifice for her every time she posts, considering her circumstances. For that sacrifice, I am so very thankful. And she has no idea. I just keep thinking that even though I don't know why I should write about this anymore or how it could possibly be beneficial, it feels like I should. Even though I don't know what He has in store, I know God is not through with me yet. The work that He does is always amazing. Right now I just feel like a big bum, but this is SO not about me.

That's it. I knew I would get to the bottom of this if I just started writing. I've allowed myself get in the way. My insecurities, my doubts, my fears, my laziness, my inadequacies, my imperfection....all of that is the cause for my writers block. If this was about me, then it woudl be pointless. But it's not about me. At least, I don't want it to be.

So now, I guess I just pray that he will move me out of the way.

I'm really tired and in an attempt to not over think things and in an effort to make sure this post actually gets posted, I'm just going to hit publish with out proofing. Please forgive the mistakes and non-sense.

I Heart NYC

2011-12-15T17:04:00.000-06:00

Today marks 10 years of marriage for my husband and me. We spent last Friday through Tuesday in New York City to celebrate! We had so much fun. We kind of consider NYC "our city" so when we were trying to decide where to go for an anniversary trip at Christmastime, the Big Apple seemed like the perfect place. I dug up a photo of myself from the last time we were there a couple of years ago. Even with my big coat and many layers on you can see that there was much less of me this time! It's so much easier to go 90 to nothin' for 5 days straight at a healthier weight.

I had to take a mirror pick in our sweet hotel. It is a favorite place for us to stay--very cheap, clean and quiet. Here's a picture of the Chelsea Lodge:

So quaint.

We were in a restaurant in Harlem, Melba's, about to eat fried chicken and waffles. It was really good. We were a little out of control with the food we ate. Over the course of 5 days I ate: pretzel (street vendor), burger and fries (Burger Joint), nachos and hot fudge sundae (Serendipity), fried chicken & pancakes (Melba's), Pizza (Grimaldi's), Banana Walnut muffin (Murray's Bagels), 4 types of pasta, lots of bread, tiramisu (Carmines), Barbecue Potato Chips w/ bacon blue-cheese dip, Pork ribs and macaroni&cheese (Blue Smoke), Bagel w/ raisin walnut cream cheese (random bakery), Fish n' chips (A Salt & Battery), 1/2 burger and nachos (Ellen's Stardust Diner), bacon, eggs, hash browns, English muffin (Highliner Diner), 1/2 quesadilla (airport), buffalo chicken salad (Buffalo Wild Wings). The END. Needless to say I've been scared to get on the scale since we returned but I enjoyed every bite of everything I put in my mouth. So no regrets, but I am happy to return to healthy eating.

This is at the Top of the Rock (similar to view from Empire State Building but less crowded). This was my favorite outfit of my trip. ;)

These are our travelling buddies having a hot fudge sundae at the famed Serendipity III. This summer we were sitting at the same table at a wedding reception of a mutual acquaintance. Not really knowing each other that well, we were making small talk when the topic of our upcoming anniversary came up. I'm not sure what exactly happened but before the night was over we were ready to book our trip for 4 to NYC. Our families have had fun spending lots of time together since that wedding and planning our trip. We look forward to making many more memories with them. I love the way the Lord brought our families together. You might call it "serendipitous." ;)

Lara and I drank A LOT of coffee. This was by far the prettiest Starbucks I have ever seen.

This is the new Freedom Tower being built near ground zero. It is already soaring higher than all the other buildings around it and it is only half way built! I can not imagine how tall that thing is going to be! This photo is kind of misleading--you have to realize that I took the photo from a 38th story window of another building. That is the roof of another high rise sitting at what looks like the base of the Freedom Tower.

You can see the Freedom tower in the background here as we are riding the ferry to Staten Island. It will be twice that tall when completed. Sorry to be repetitive, but WOW.

Looking forward to many more anniversaries with this guy.

A nerd eating Nerds.

I love NYC.

No Turning Back

2011-12-03T01:26:00.007-06:00

This summer I became overwhelmingly convicted to turn away from sinful patterns that were ruling over me. Serious. I was super-duper serious. And Satan knew it. Almost immediately after I had committed to repentance, Satan began to attack.

He got in my head and convinced me that I could never walk in freedom over this sin of idolatry (looking to food to bring the comfort, security and joy that only God can provide.) He convinced me that I was being too legalistic in wanting to overcome this and that I didn't need to pursue putting this sin to death. (Read: "Eat whatever you want. It's fine." Sound familiar? Genesis 3, anyone?) Needless to say, Satan made a very alluring case and I bought it.

But tonight I've decided that I'm not buying it anymore. Nope. The promise of God is that He will set me free. FREE. No chains, no oppression, but freedom. I'm not trying to earn anything. I'm not hoping to please anyone. I'm not even trying to get into a pair of jeans. All I want to do, by His grace, is express the love that I have for my Savior by obeying him. If in that process I earn things or please people or fit into a size 6, then so be it. I probably will. But that is not why.

The Lord has shown me what is good for my body--what makes me feel and function my best. He has taught me how to plan and cook healthfully. He has provided money for my family to be able to buy food. He has granted me a schedule and a spouse that are both very conducive to allowing me a near-daily workout. He has blessed me with two precious bundles of energy to care for. He has given me the ability to learn scripture. He has promised to provide a way out of every temptation that I face. He sits at the right hand of the Father and prays for me without ceasing. Not only has He shown me what to do but he has explained to me why I need to do it. We all know parents don't have to do that, but He did. Grace.

There is no reason in the world that I should not walk in the ways that he has clearly made known to me. In doing so not only will I be protected and blessed, I will be loving Him. I will be abiding in Him. I look forward to the days ahead and pray that each one draws me nearer, ever nearer to my Jesus. Joy will abound.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11

*I should mention, for any new readers, that my method of weight loss is simply to exercise most days and eat a balanced diet as suggested on http://www.choosemyplate.gov/index.html. This is the way that I should eat for the rest of my life--its not a special diet. When I eat this way, I lose weight. I imagine when my body gets to a healthy weight I will stop losing. So far I have lost about 60 lbs and have about 30 to go.

Haircut

2011-10-24T10:09:00.002-05:00

My hair is one thing that has always received praise. No matter how heavy I got, the hair was still "so pretty". The one thing that I knew was accepted and approved of by the world was my hair, so the longer the better. The more covered in goodness and prettiness I felt. Sad. What a false sense of self! That without my hair there was nothing of worth about me? I mean, that seems kind of dramatic, but that is the bottom line.

This weekend I went in for"just a trim", of course, but as I was sitting there these words that I had read earlier in the week about who I really am came to mind:

"You are a child of God. You are the Bride of Christ. You belong to the King--you are royalty. Dress and conduct yourself in a way that reflects your high and holy calling. God has called you out of this world's system--don't let the world press you into it's mold. Don't think, dress, or act like the world; inwardly and outwardly, let others see the difference he makes in your life." Nancy Leigh DeMoss

I realized that I would really like to cut my hair short, but the idea scared me because of the reasons I stated above. Going against what felt safe, I told her to keep cutting. When I had to close my eyes and cringe as the scissors began to do their work, I realized just how out-of-hand this had gotten. My hair had become some kind of false security. Cool thing? The more she trimmed, the more liberated I felt. The shorter and shorter it got, the more I felt that I was coming out of hiding. I actually left the salon, decided I needed more of it gone, went back and got the rest of it whacked off!

I can't really explain this experience. It was so refreshing. I'm not suggesting that everyone run out and get their hair cut off, that's totally not the point. The point is, are we hiding? Are we hiding behind things that we think are protecting us, but in reality they are doing no such thing.

I think its possible that what we need to lose more than anything else, are the ideas that have been etched on our hearts by the world. Be yourself and don't be afraid to be different! Don't be afraid to let go of something that you've been holding onto for a very long time. What if the truth is that it's actually holding you?

What false beliefs do we use to hide our REAL selves? Please share!

Hope

2011-10-18T20:50:00.001-05:00

To the person who went through a Drive-thru after work then went home and had dinner, too...

To the mom who sat on the couch all day long watching TV and wishing she could wear her pre-baby jeans...

To the person who is so miserable at work they ate their way through the day...

To the person who woke up this morning and said, "Today will be the day!" and it wasn't...

To the person who just ate a gallon of ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser...

To the person who feels like no one likes them or wants to be around them...

To the person who is just so. very. tired.

To the person who's entire outlook on life for today was determined by what the scale said this morning...

To the person who wants desperately to make the right choices, but cannot.

If you are that person, just know that:

You are not the only one.

There is more to life than looking cute in jeans. (See baby)

We can ask for our desires and attitudes to be changed, the Lord can do it. Think miracle.

Progress is to always begin again.

The next second is the first second of the rest of your life.

Your worth does not come from the opinions and approval of others. You were created for a purpose. you are VALUABLE and dearly loved. Never forget that.

There is One who will provide rest for your weary soul.

In 30...40...50 years from now, what the scale says will not matter. What will? Think about those things first in the morning, not the blasted scale. Before you step on the scale, consider what truly matters in life. Give thanks. Then step on the scale if you must. :)

Life is war. Spirit of God vs. flesh of man. Spoiler: Spirit of God wins! One day...one minute...one spoonful of frosting at a time. Whatever. We have been given a spirit of self-control. I am choosing to believe it.

This is NOT over. We can do this! Keep fighting and keep believing. Never give up. I'm not.

Love to all!

Progress Put in Perspective

2011-10-13T20:04:00.001-05:00

I've been getting bogged down. In the details and the requirements and the failures and the frustration of this stuff. I've been getting reeeeally bogged down. :) Time to snap out of it!

For some reason I was prompted to graph out my weight over the past 10 years and get some perspective on this thing. So I did it. The graph below starts in 1998 when I was a senior in High School. I gained a few pounds between graduation and my wedding, but what began to happen after that is startling. I averaged a 10 pound weight gain each year. For nearly 10 years! Take a look:

Then in 2009, something remarkable happened. The gaining came to a halt, did a complete U turn and began a glorious descent back toward health. It is truly remarkable. To see it like this causes me to be so awestruck at the turn-around that a stagnant year doesn't really seem to matter at all. In fact, as one of my readers pointed out not to long ago--it could be worse...I could have gained.

I decided next, to create a graph that would show what it would look like if I had continued to gain weight at the rate of 10 pounds per year. Scary:

If this had been the case, I would weigh 250 pounds today (I weigh 170lbs). There is no doubt in my mind that is where I would be.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain...Corinthians 15:10

Creating these graphs has been so good for me! I SO needed to see this. We celebrate the victories as they happen, but we need to remind ourselves of them everyday. The victories have power when they happen--but they have power afterwards too. To remember that point where something clicked deep within me and there was no turning back--that is powerful! To think of where I was and to think of where I might be?! That is powerful. To be reminded what can happen when you string a whole bunch of "begin agains" together. Powerful!

There is a huge parallel going on here--I just can't ignore it. Can you see it?! First of all--this is what God wants to do in each of our lives. By grace, through faith (that he provides so that no one can boast) he literally lifts us up out of defeat and death. We become new. We are remade. The old IS GONE, the new comes in. A U-turn happens and life is never the same.

Second of all, those who are in Christ need to remember the power involved in the U-turn, every day. When I remember how miraculously that happened, how can I get bogged down in the details and the requirements and the failures and the frustration of not doing good enough? I can't. This is the power of the gospel, not only in the moment of salvation but for all eternity.

It is the power to begin again every single day. To remember that He did what I can not do. That in Christ, there is nothing I can ever do to make him love me more and nothing I have ever done that will make him love me less. That if I never progress another inch, his spectacular progress all the way to the cross is enough for me. That my worth has already been established, when Jesus died for me, and it can never be changed because he said "It is finished."

Swimming deeper and into these gospel waters is the only thing that captivates me more than my flesh. Indeed, greater is he who is in me than he who is in the world! (1 John 4:4) When I think about these things, food seems so trivial. The way others treat me doesn't matter as much. How well I am doing isn't a huge issue. Stuffing my face seems pointless. The glory of God, in the face of Jesus Christ, shines so brightly that these things become dim and insignificant. Can you say freedom?!

Ironically, it is the food and the people and my lack of progress and the face stuffing that send me back to the edge again and again. But that's the point of it. To remind me who I am (nothing) and who He is (everything). I forget that. A lot.

In the gospel, there is power to overcome myself. There is power to do hard things. There is power to experience something better than I ever dreamed of or hoped for...and it hasn't a thing to do with the scale. It is the power to live, fully. It is the power to know what is REAL.

I need to think about it everyday so I can keep going. So if you keep reading, I'll keep reminding. I love you all and I pray that your progress is in Christ.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes...Romans 1:16

Touching Before & After

2011-09-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

I love a good before and after story--here's a special one:

http://www.daysmadeofnow.com/2011/09/1-year.html

Lessons and Surprises

2011-09-30T09:31:00.000-05:00

What do you tell yourself when the going gets rough or when faced when temptation? What are some lessons you've learned along your weight loss journey? Have there been any surprises? -Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie

When the Going Gets Rough
When the going gets rough I tell myself this is normal. Even though I may be spewing from the brain and mouth, deep down I know that this is the way it has to be. The ups and downs are just part of the whole process. I try to fully engage in whatever emotion/feeling I am having and then I pray that I can let it go after that. In the past, I would try to not experience the "rough-going" and hide from it. I try now to embrace it. It is definitely a process, but that's what I'm trying to do.

Temptation
When I am faced with temptation...hmm. Sometimes I give in. Lately I have been giving in a lot. I don't like it. That momentary satisfaction does not even come close to justifying the nasty funk it puts me in. Sometimes the funk lasts for weeks. There are lots of ways to face temptation successfully. I recently wrote about that here.

Lessons Learned
Emotions are meant to be experienced, not suppressed
Encouraging others helps me
I need accountability
There is not a short cut
I do not need to be perfect
Planning+prayer+action are necessary
If I only do things that I feel like doing, I will be miserable
There is no finish line

Surprises
At first I was surprised that I was losing so much weight at such a rapid pace. I was surprised that I was losing by eating regular food in regular amounts--I was surprised such a simple method of weight loss was working for me. I'm not sure why I was surprised, but I was. I was surprised that I felt so much freedom. I was surprised that I was able to run, at first a mile and eventually 13 miles. I was surprised that my whole personality began to morph (into the real me) as I began to lose weight and gain insight to my thoughts/emotions and soul. I'm surprised at the transformation on the inside because that was not even something that I could have imagined would happen. I didn't even know it needed to happen!

Many times I forget that I am still a work in progress. I think that is one of my biggest problems. I start to assume I am "fixed" and then when something happens that shows me just how "unfixed" I am, it is like a punch to the gut. Humility: I pray for it, but recieving it isn't always fun:)

More than anything, I continue to be surprised by God's grace. The scandalous, unmerited, unfair, unfathomable grace that brings me back. No matter how far I run or how loud I scream or how big a fit I throw, His grace is bigger and louder and faster. That grace is everything. Really the answer to all 4 questions.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Monthly Weigh-In

2011-09-27T17:12:00.002-05:00

Today I weigh almost exactly the same I did this time last year. Slightly disheartening? Slightly. I noticed it last week when I was scrolling through the photos on the side of my blog and I couldn't believe it.

I was kind of embarrassed at first. How can a person go a whole year doing the types of "weight-loss-y" things that I do and not lose anything? How? Then I felt dumb. Why did I assume I had lost lots of weight? Then I felt mad that all of those months had been wasted. I could have been to goal by now. Then I felt frustrated and defeated and blah. Waaaaaah!

When I was done with all of this, I decided to do 3 things:

1) Shut Up
2) Suck it up
3) Get to Work

Here are my no-frills, once-a-month, weigh in photos for September.

169 lbs.

In my heart of hearts I know that all was not lost over the past year. Truly, I do. Quite the contrary. I know that God has been working on different areas of my life. I guess it's just a little uncomfortable because they aren't really areas I wanted him working on ;)

A statement that I read this week pretty much sums up my current state-of-mind:

I'm not what I wanna be; I'm not what I'm gonna be...But praise God Almighty, I'm not what I was.

Love that!

This is the physical comparison of where I was in October 2009 (229 lbs.) and where I am almost in October 2011 (169 lbs.).

Interesting to me that you can capture the physical comparison so well with photos but the spiritual/emotional/mental changes can not be photographed. They can not be seen, only experienced. There is not a sidebar big enough in this bloggy world to document the make-over that my heart is undergoing. So thankful.

Think I Told a Lie (Retraction)

2011-09-23T23:17:00.003-05:00

I need to correct and clarify some things I wrote in a post a couple of days ago. I second-guess things I write just about every time I write but I try to just let it go. This one I really need to correct, though. In the post entitled How Can We Do It All, a post about things that have helped me in balancing various roles of womanhood, #5 is the culprit. This is what it said ( I have removed it from the original post):

5. Take care of self, then take care of others.

I am by far a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher, PERSON now that I have taken some time and continue to take time to focus on self-care. I can do things to help others now that I would have never dreamed of doing at the size and mental state I was in before. This means that sometimes I have to leave my family to spend time alone or have true quiet time with the Lord. I have to take time away from them in order to exercise. It's a sacrifice that I think my husband (and my kids if they could express it) would say has been well worth it. Taking care of this body, that is actually not my own, is not selfish.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Another scripture to consider here is:

Galatians 5:14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

How should we love others? The way that we love ourselves. This is not a selfish love but a sacrificial love. We should have a sacrificial love of self, with the chief purpose of our self-love being to love others well. Think about it.

A couple of things are wrong here. First of all, the heading. Take care of self, then take care of others. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Kind of. As long as you understand I don't mean LOVE yourself more than others, then I think we're okay. The message I was trying to send is that we can not do the work to which God has called us, to the best of our ability, if we do not take some responsibility for self-care first. Self-care being quiet different from self-love. Scripture clearly states that we are to love others first, to think more highly of others than ourselves and that we are to die to self, daily. In fact, we are to deny our selfish, fleshly desires and put God first. I the whole issue here has to do with our motives. We can take care of our bodies because we want to look good in a bikini so men will stare at us on a beach and make us feel good about ourselves for being so hot (loving self) or we can want to become a healthier person so that we can serve others well (loving others). See the diff?

Read this awesome post about why Pastor John Piper chooses to exercise. In a nutshell "I have one life to live for Jesus. I don't want to waste it." (Love him!)

The other thing that is wrong is my exegesis (explanation of ) Galatians 5:14.Galatians 5:14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." I said that we should love ourselves first and then copy that love toward others. This is an error. On the same day I wrote that post I opened up a book to begin reading, Lies Women Believe. Would you believe there was a whole chapter on this very topic? ;) Here is what Nancy Leigh DeMoss has to say about Galatians 5:14:

When Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves, the point is not that we need to love ourselves so that we can love others. Jesus is saying we need to give others the same attention and care we naturally give ourselves.

She goes on to say:

We are constantly looking out for ourselves, deeply sensitive to our own feelings and needs, always conscious of how things and people affect us. The reason some of us get hurt so easily is not because we hate ourselves but because we love ourselves! We want to be accepted, cherished, and treated well. If we did not care so much about ourselves, we would not be so concerned about being rejected, neglected or mistreated. The fact is, we do not hate ourselves, nor do we need to learn to love ourselves. We need to learn how to deny ourselves, so we can do that which does not come naturally--to truly love God and others. Our malady is not "low self-esteem," nor is it how we view ourselves rather, it is our low view of God. Our problem isn't so much a " poor self-image" as it is a "poor God-image." Our need is not to love ourselves more but to receive His incredible love for us and to accept His design and purpose for our lives. Once we have received His love, we will not have to compare ourselves to others; we will not focus on "self" at all. Instead, we will become channels of his love to others.

Hm. Enlightening, isn't it? I can't wait to get into this study! This is a much better and more educated explanation than the one I wrote!

Please forgive my irresponsible use of God's Word. It is so easy to manipulate scripture to make it say what we want it to say. While I believe the message I was trying to get across is not necessarily "un-biblical", some of the terminology and scripture references I used just didn't work and I'm so sorry for this confusion.

I thank each of you who reads this blog for being so gracious as you come along on my journey. I am learning every step of the way and I'm sure this will not be the last mistake I make. I want, from the bottom of my heart, to share God's word with the utmost integrity and accuracy that I am able. May I never compromise his beautiful Truth. No matter how hard it is to read or hear--it is freedom.

For you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

How Can We Do It All?

2011-09-20T13:42:00.012-05:00

How do you balance all the roles in your life (wife, mother, ministries etc) with making health a priority as well. How do you find the time and with small children the way to exercise and keep making new goals? -Laura

1. Don't feel sorry for self...Don't even think about it.
Honestly, the first time someone asked me this question, I hadn't even thought about it. I never thought about my kids or husband or other responsibilities making it more difficult for me to stay focused on healthy living. But once the idea was pointed out to me I could see that these things did present more challenges. I am always looking for an excuse, so the fact that these things really hadn't occured to me is simply more evidence of God's grace. Now that I do recognize these challenges, I try not to focus on them. This is my life. I am a wife. I have small children. I have responsibilities inside and outside the home, one of which is taking care of my body. These are blessings and I believe God works them all together for good.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

2. Ask for and accept help
I am not afraid to let people help me. I do not feel guilty about asking a friend or family member to watch my kids so I can go run. We were never intended to do things on our own. That is why God gives us community and family. We are not capable of doing things alone and it is a form of pride to think that we can or should. Now, those people we call on to help us should never be taken for granted or taken advantage of. I thank God for them! Hopefully they have a concept of #5.

"People, people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world." (Barabara Streisand song)

3. Prioritize
Determining priorities is as simple as asking myself the question: "What is important to me?" Once I have honestly answered that question, I am able to find the time for it. Always. We find time for what is important to us. Remember--if you want things to change, you have to change the way you do things. Your priorities must change. My relationship with God is most important. From this relationship, he directs everything else in my life. By putting Him first, the balancing act becomes much easier because He will do it.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33

4. Don't listen to the world.
When we allow the world to dictate what we spend our time doing, to decide our values, that is when we get in trouble and our lives end up way out of balance. We all have values that guide us in determining what is important to us. The goal for me is to draw my values from what is important to God. Most important to him is not how much money I earn, how well or how many sports my kids play, how cute my hair is, how clean and nice my house is, what size jeans I am wearing, how many "good" things I am doing or what everyone else thinks of me. It is very difficult to push those things to the back of the line because those are things the world is always SCREAMING and constantly whispering should be most important to us. It's a lie!
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

5. Master the art of saying NO.
This is clutch! We have been told a really horrible lie--that we can do it all. Well, maybe we can do it all but if we are doing it all I think it's pretty safe to say we aren't doing any of it well. And to make matters worse, not only have we been told that we can do it all, we've been told (or we tell ourselves) we should do it all. There was a point in my life when I thought that I needed to say yes to anything ever asked of me. Horrible times. I learned a lesson there and started to only say yes when it was a really good thing. Really good things include volunteering at school or church, attending a Bible study, helping a friend in need, the list goes on. All really good things. Problem: there is still not enough of me to do every really good opportunity that comes my way. Some really good things? A few? Yes. Perhaps. There have been points in my life recently where the only thing I was doing was taking care of myself and my family. That is okay sometimes. Guilt can not rule our lives! Trying to live up to the "supermom" fantasy is not possible so stop trying! Also, you can never please everyone and yes, saying "No" will offend people and make them mad. Sometimes it will hurt feelings. I hate that--I really do! But they get over it and even if they don't I can't let it consume me. Consider the bigger picture. Best advice ever: Sometimes we have to say no to very good things so we can say YES to the very best thing.
"Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23

So after typing all of this out, I think I want to correct myself. We actually can do it all--learn to say no, accept help, prioritize our lives, tune out the world and care for our precious bodies--but there is only one Way... I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Sinking

2011-09-16T09:09:00.004-05:00

I have been praying and praying and praying some more that I will get a real grasp on what God's grace means for me in this crazy, can't-figure-it-out life. It is a jumbled mess in my head most of the time but when I am deep in the Word or as quiet as I can possibly be or sometimes even scrolling through my twitter feed--He speaks. I am trying so desperately to listen and to take hold of what I am hearing.

My dear friend pointed out to me that I am trying really hard to understand everything. It is common for a person to experience tragedy and want desperately to make sense of it all. I'm not even in the midst of a tragedy, but I still want to understand it all. The joys, the gifts, the opportunities...I want to know what is going on and why things are happening the way they are. I can't. We can't. We just can't.

Sigh.

The truth is that all of these things God is working together for good. Of that we can be certain. And the fact that he is making anything good out of us or this world is GRACE defined. The waters of God's grace are deep and as the David Crowder songs says: "If your Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

I love this lyric because it captures the hard truth so very well. We can't navigate God's grace. We can only drown in it. We can only let the lungs of our desire to understand be filled with the water of His grace. The living water. In this death we can truly live! We can just rest and let the waters carry us, toss us to and fro, and experience life the way He intends. Every emotion, every delight, every fear, every pain and every uncertainty: through grace we can experience it rather than fight it, study it, or resent it. Instead of trying to make use of the grace or figure it out, we can just let it have us.

1 Corinthians 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

I've not been on this earth too long, but with every passing moment I realize more and more (Thank you, Jesus!) that this is not my home. What a tragedy if I thought this was it! The same grace that drowns me here will complete me there. The ocean of grace that I'm drowning in today will carry me right to the feet of Jesus and in the presence of God Almighty. One day I will know. Fully and forever.

Motivated--Not So Much

2011-09-13T20:26:00.001-05:00

How do you motivate yourself to workout on days you feel blah and don't want to do anything?

Here are a few things that have helped me:

15 minute week--I can do just about anything for 15 minutes. Sometimes when I am dreading workouts (and in effect not doing them) I will have a "15 minute week" where I only do 15 minutes of activity, but I do it everyday. That way it's not overwhelming, I don't dread it and I end up doing way more than I would have otherwise.

Get a Buddy--This can be a great motivational tool. Go for a walk with a friend. You can easily walk several miles without even realizing you have exercised when you have a buddy to talk with. It is also nice to know someone is going to be meeting you somewhere (you have to go) and you don't have to do it alone.

Purchase good gear--Getting fitted for my running shoes was one of the greatest things ever! Highly recommend doing this if you are going to be doing a lot of walking or running. It just feels better and is best for your body. Also, from time to time I like to get some new shorts or tops to workout in. Yeah, it's superficial but hey--it works.

Journal--Keep a journal of how you feel every time you finish exercising. I am always so refreshed and invigorated. I feel good about myself and what I have accomplished. Today a friend and I were saying that we never remember saying "Oh man, I really wish I hadn't worked out just then." Never happens. On the days it is tempting to stay on the couch, flip through the journal and be reminded of the pay off.

Set a goal--Goals help keep us on track and focused. Signing up for my first half marathon was AWESOME! I knew that if I didn't put in the work every day leading up to that race, then I would not be able to do it. It kept me motivated to get out there every day I needed to and on the days I still wasn't feeling it, I did it anyway knowing there was something bigger at stake.

For me, this is pretty black and white. If I don't work out, I can't lose weight. That has been proven time and time again, most recently over the past few months. We can talk motivation all day long but the bottom line is that we have a choice to take care of the bodies God gave us or not. Simple.

Now, I really need to re-read this and take my own advice!!!

Body Parts

2011-09-12T14:25:00.002-05:00

Thank you all so, so much for the post ideas! I am so excited. It's funny because I have been having lots more ideas of my own, too! I will use them all! This is one of the topics: Favorite Body Part and Why. My favorite parts comes last, but here are a few others that I have something to say about, too:

Legs
I love my legs because they are strong. They have been the body part that has shown me I am capable of things I never even dreamed about. I ran 13 miles on my legs! That is hard to believe when I think about how difficult it was for me to even walk a mile in January 2010. My legs have definition that I never knew they could have. I like to feel them. I know that is weird! But I love the way they feel, especially when I shave.

Face

The face is special to me. I had gotten to the point where I just didn't look in the mirror any more. I didn't want to see my face. I felt like no matter how perfect I got my make-up or how good my hair looked there was nothing that would make my face easy to look at. It was the most obvious reminder of how far I had let myself go. My face is now more alive and joyful. There is a sparkle in my eyes that I didn't even know was missing until it reappeared.

Stomach
Uhhh. This is not my favorite body part at all. But it is worth writing about. All of my weight sits right in my stomach. I have two stomachs--the upper one (muffin top area) and the lower one (my butt in front). I have tried to think of something positive to say about my stomach. It is the grossest thing ever, but my fat stomach is pretty much what has brought me to my knees and got me started down this long path to finding out who I really am.

Brain
This is my new favorite body part. Many of the lies that crippled this part of me have been cleared out. The brain now enhances my progress rather than hindering it. This part of my body has seen the biggest and most dramatic transformation. Without the changes here, none of the other body parts would have been able to change either. They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste. I would agree. The mind is a beautiful thing to entrust to the truth of God's Word. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

The pattern of this world is to judge by the outward appearance. We all do that to some degree. As much as we try not to, I think it is just part of our human nature. We all want to be loved and accepted and by the world's standards, having beautiful and "standard" parts make that more of a reality. The more that I understand the unconditional acceptance that is available through Christ, the less acceptance by the world matters to me. Knowing that Jesus knew what all of my imperfections would be as he willingly gave his life for me makes the fat rolls and the double chins seem pretty insignificant.

For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7

Yesterday we studied Psalms 139. Wow. It speaks of the way that He knows us. The deepest, darkest worst things about us, the ugliest things about us, He knows and he sees. He doesn't care. He loves us. Oh! How he loves us. When God was making us, his focus was on the inmost being--not the legs or the face or anything else.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-14)

Listen!!

Help a Girl Out!

2011-09-09T21:31:00.000-05:00

I love to write this blog. I love writing, period. I love writing about weight loss, exercise, struggles, transparency, overcoming, spiritual things and really just about anything. But lately I have had writer's block.

Seriously--I NEED to write to help me with this weight loss thing. Blogging has been so huge! I am praying that God will help me know what to write about and that maybe you guys will be able to help me, too. I would SO appreciate having some reader questions or topic suggestions to go off of.

Can you help me? Pretty please!?

Thank you, friends!

P.S. I feel like this might be kind-of dumb, but oh well.

Fat Heart Healed

2011-09-03T20:26:00.005-05:00

I think I'm ready to start this puppy up again. I think. I am eating a bag of Doritos right now. I just had 3 pieces of pepperoni pizza. For a snack.

Yeah. It's time.

I would write this epic long blog post about why I've been gone but who really wants to read that? I will point out one thing. You may not notice unless you are very observant. The tag line under the title of my blog has always been but getting skinnier, everyday. In the beginning of this blog, my only goal was to GET. SKINNY. PERIOD. And so the tag line was pretty appropriate. As the months have gone by, that little line has bothered me more and more.

Last night I was reading the story of Namaan the Leper to my son (from 2 Kings 5). He was a general. A little girl Namaan had kidnapped (and whose family he had had killed) forgave him and had love in her heart for him. She sent him to be healed of his leprosy by Elisha. Elisha told him what to do to be healed by God, but he wouldn't do it. He was too proud. He didn't want to do the simple thing to be healed because it wasn't the way he thought it should or would go. But God knew that Namaan was sicker on the inside than he was on the outside. Namaan thought he didn't need God. His heart didn't work properly--it couldn't feel anything. Naaman had leprosy of the heart. Out of his great mercy and grace, God was not only going to heal Namaan's skin but he was going to heal his heart, too. Namaan finally gave in and did what God said. So it was that a very sick man was healed all because of a little girl who forgave him.

As I sat, today, thinking of what in the world I was going to do about this blog, it hit me. I am Namaan. Jesus is the little girl. And God has healed me. Not only was there fat on my body but there was fat on my heart. In Matthew 13:15, Jesus speaks to his disciples about people with "fat hearts":

For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.

I have been healed from the inside out and I will spend the rest of my days proclaiming this good news. I have a story to tell!

If anything is ever accomplished through my blog or in my life, Lord, let it be this:

"He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

And my joy will be complete.

Longest Break Ever!

2011-08-21T15:18:00.000-05:00

I've been in freak-out mode for the past 2 weeks. Something changed in my life and it threw me way off. This should never be. When something changing throws me way off that means that something had become a foundation of sorts in my life. The only foundation I should ever have for my life, Jesus Christ, can not be changed. When I put something else in His rightful place as a foundation for my life it is an idol and it will cause me problems. (That's an understatement)

So with that new awareness, yes, things are changing and priorities are shifting. If I am quiet on here that is probably always a good sign that God is working on me. I am just trying to be quiet and listen so that I can be obedient. A couple of posts back I wrote all about what the Lord was showing me about obedience. Yeah--I had no idea why He was showing me all that! Well, I had an idea but it was wrong! Lol.

Anyway, I don't have time right now to explain everything that is going on. My baby starts Kindergarten tomorrow!!!! (Waaaaah!) I just wanted to let everyone know I'm good. I'd certainly appreciate prayers and I look forward to writing a more lengthy update later this week.
If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God. Therefore, as to the eating of food offered to idols, we know that "an idol has no real existence," and that "there is no God but one." For although there may be so-called gods in heaven or on earth—as indeed there are many "gods" and many "lords"— yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist. 1 Corinthians 8:2-6

I am known by God. Exciting! (Another understatement.)